September 2007

Lessons Learned September 20, 2007

Okay… here’s where we (and by we I mean me) stand; it is Thursday, September 20, 2007; exactly 3 months and 2 days since my life came crashing down around me. In those 3 months, I have been knocked down and left wondering if I wanted to try to get up again, discovered the amazing strength offered to me through my faith in Christ, and come to the realization that I would not die without the man I thought I was madly in love with just 3 months and 3 days ago. I have also learned that life is not black and white; it is more shades of gray than I ever could have imagined, and all of that judgment I have always harbored against people who I thought didn’t have it as good as I did was a load of crap. I’m sorry if it was you, and I’m sorry if it hurt; saying that isn’t enough, but it’s all I have to offer you. I could go on with lessons learned for pretty much forever, but here are a few more; I am a STRONG woman, I have not let myself have the things in my life that I deserve, and I am a way better mother than my husband ever let me believe.

I never knew what real love was, and I was angry that God had brought us to this town and then let such a horrible thing happen. Now I see that God didn’t bring “us” to this town for a purpose; He brought me to this town for a purpose. He brought me here because He already knew I was going to have to walk this road, and He knew that if I had to do it in Garden with my family, and his family, and our past there haunting me, I probably wouldn’t have survived. So he brought me here, to this amazing town, where, sure, I have to endure the fact that everyone knows the intimate details of my life , but where I’ve also been blessed with more people who love me than I’ve ever had before. I didn’t even know that people could be so loving, so caring, of one another. I don’t think I ever really knew what love was until now. People I don’t even know are stopping me, hugging me, asking what they can do. People I only knew a little bit at the end of May are suddenly my best friends, my strongest supporters. My coworkers, so overwhelmed with their own lives, have gathered around me and lifted me and my girls up. My pastor and his wife (one of my best friends) have picked me up when I felt as if there was no way I could keep going, and he has almost literally spoon-fed me with the Word of God, while she has dropped everything at a moment’s notice to come over when another horrible lie was discovered. Then there’s my other best friend, one of the people who was obviously put in my life for a reason; she has been honest, and open, and exposed herself to all of the horrible feelings that have been dredged back up as she watched me struggle with the infidelity and the end of my dreams. She has let me cry when I needed to cry, laughed hysterically with me more times than I can count (sometimes while crying), and drank with me when I needed a drink. She has literally taken my hand and has begun introducing me to the scary (very scary) world of SINGLEDOM. She has been honest about that world, and has, with great bunches of humor, helped me to “grow up” in this new life. Love is this; allowing your new friend to snore on your couch when she hasn’t slept for days, even though your family is trying to watch a movie (I couldn’t possibly have been that loud); dropping everything at the first phone call or text message when all you hear is crying or all you read is “help;” laughing, crying, sharing, and offering everything. This is love. Wow. I am blessed.

I think I digressed…oh, well, I’m leaving it. I have also discovered that patience is an amazing thing. I have had my moments of bitterness and anger, but only occasionally at the wrong times. I have not spread gossip, have not said anything too terrible (I’ve apologized when terrible did come out), and I have not launched a smear campaign against anyone. I have simply waited, knowing that, although it seemed like I was the only one having to deal with the fallout of all of this, he would eventually have consequences. And…guess what? It was true. I spent many an hour asking God when exactly that would happen, and it has. Every choice has consequences, and he will have to deal with his, just like I have to deal with mine. I made choices, and although I didn’t realize it at the time some of my choices contributed to the end of my marriage. That’s life…it goes on. Lessons learned….