October 2007

This is going to be difficult… October 10, 2007

So…life is a little crazy, and I don’t really know what I’m writing about, because I forgot in the 10 seconds in took me to open this. I’m putting out a disclaimer, but will add it here…if you are one of the people who keeps patting me on the back and giving me kudos for reacting to this huge change in my life in such a positive way, thanks, but please be aware that I’m going through the grieving process just like everyone else does in this situation, and I have times when I’m so depressed I can’t stop crying, or so angry I want to break something or just cuss A LOT; I’m not perfect, I’m just trying not to be quite so public with this process….if you are a person who wants to or has to stay neutral in this situation, you may not want to read what I write, because I only have one side of this story, and since this is MY blog I’m going to retain the right to express my true feelings and thoughts, and they aren’t always nice….

Okay…remembered what I was going to write…grieving is not a linear process, it’s more like a really long circular process, kind of like a dog chasing its tail. It is exhausting, and I still have stupid feelings that don’t even make sense sometimes. It’s been a couple of months, but for awhile there I actually thought that if I just called and asked him to talk this out he’d come back. Luckily I never actually did that, because it was stupid. I don’t want this person back by any means; I want the boy I fell in love with back, not the person he has chosen to become. I’m glad I have some very great, very honest, and very blunt friends, who were quick to say “go ahead, call him, I’ll be here to scrape you up off the floor, because the man you loved would never have….(insert your choice of sh***y action here).” And it’s true…this isn’t my high school sweetheart we’re talking about; this is someone different.

So…today I got yelled at and hung up on, and I have no idea why, and when I called a friend crying she told me something that I know but that I needed to hear; she said “Jenn, you do not have to allow anyone to speak to you in that manner.” And you know what, she’s absolutely right…I don’t have to talk to him except when it comes to the girls. My friend also told me something that I recently realized, but had no idea anyone else had seen. In a marriage, two people are expected to be there for each other, to make each other better, to lift each other up. I admit, I made mistakes, but now I see that I was belittled…I thought we were so, so in love, and yet now I see that love doesn’t make you feel unworthy or ugly or like you are constantly failing. Love does not make you feel like you are a terrible parent or a failure as a wife just because you don’t do things just the way someone else does. I never knew that that was happening, but now that I’m out I do see it, and I’m thankful to be free because I DESERVE BETTER!! I can honestly say that I am having a good time getting to know me. Sure, it’s painful, and it’s lonely, and some days it feels like I can’t even keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I see the light at the end of this tunnel, and I’m going to keep moving in that direction until I get there.

The hard part? Watching that person I loved dying (not physically) and turning into an angry, amoral, twisted form of what he once was…it’s incredibly painful, and it’s hard to watch. No matter how much I want him to hurt like he hurt me, I hurt for that boy I fell in love with; I wonder where he went? I wonder where I went?

Another startling revelation: I have told my friends several times that I just pray that he doesn’t show up at my door while we’re still married asking me to take him back, because I would feel obligated to give it a go. Last night I realized that is no longer true; I would not feel that obligation, and that is not a road I will ever travel. It’s done, and I am free, and just because I don’t have those papers in my hands yet doesn’t mean that he’s my husband. He relinquished that right months ago, and I’m done; there will be no second chances!

I’m just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other, trying to do my best every day, and we’ll see where that gets me…