May 2008

Time Is Flying! May 10, 2008

Question: Is it possible to move in an organized fashion? Are there rules and guidelines about packing? Am I the only person who has never moved a considerable distance?

I know it’s a little early to start packing my personal stuff, but I have to pack my classroom. I’ve actually already started; I only have a few more things to go through! Then I have to figure out what to do with all of it for the next month while I still live here but no longer have a classroom…GULP! I am, by nature, not a saver…I’m a thrower. I am messy, messy, messy, but when I do decide to clean up, I save NOTHING. If it won’t get used, I’m not going to save it “just in case.” It seems odd to me, then, that I should have so much crap! I have packed A LOT, and I have given away a ton of materials that are for the primary grades (since I get to teach FIFTH GRADE!! YAY!!). I guess I’ll just cram it into my itsy bitsy apartment for a month, lol.

I still haven’t found a place to live…am going to wait until after I get paid on the 21st. Hopefully I’ll find something in Buhler…gas is too expensive to commute, but I will if I have to! I’m excited to get on with this all…

I’m going to enjoy the next 8 1/2 days with my students, and then I’ll be done with work here…pack it up, get it out, and look to the future. Then, I’ll be very patient while waiting to figure out where we’re living and when we’re going there. We’ll get there…it’ll just take awhile, lol!

I Really Feel Like A Grownup, And I’m Not Sure I Like It May 25, 2008

Does anyone ever really get used to being a grownup, or are we all stuck in this quasi-fantasy that we’re really just learning? Yesterday I signed a contract on a rental in Hutchinson, and now I think I’m in shock. I’m 28 years old, divorced with two children, a bachelor’s degree and a successful career, have owned two homes, lost everything, and rebuilt my life, and I still feel like an 18 year old. What the heck is up with that?

The fact is, this is something I have never done; sure, I’ve moved, rented a place on my own, and started a new job before, but I’ve never moved to a new town in a completely different area all by myself. I would imagine most people get this experience when they go away to college, which I, of course, never had to do. The only difference here is I don’t get to party and depend on mommy and daddy right now…instead I have full responsibility for myself and, more importantly, two little girls who are counting on me to not screw up their lives any more than they’ve been screwed up in the past year. I know that I can do this, but it certainly is scary!

So…I’m moving on June 14, in less than three weeks…I can’t believe this is happening so fast. I rented a great duplex yesterday; it has a garage and a huge, beautiful yard for the girls to play in. It, unfortunately, doesn’t have a basement, but the garage is deep and will allow for some storage. The carpet is nice, newer, and clean, which is always a plus, and there is a fireplace in the livingroom and a nice pantry in the kitchen. It’s on the edge of town, kind of in a “countryish” spot that is being developed w/ very nice homes. It’s also right on my way to work, which is a major plus! Next Monday I’m going to take the girls up. I’ll take possession that day, so they can see where we’re living and experience Hutchinson a little bit. I’ll also run them out to Buhler to see their new school, and maybe take them to the Cosmosphere. I’m excited to show them their new home, and curious to hear what they say about all of the trees and greenness in the area!

On Cynicism, and Hope… May 31, 2008

Summer…I’d forgotten how much I really do like it! The last week has been filled with mornings of packing and afternoons at the pool…it doesn’t get any better than this! I managed to avoid a truly severe sunburn this year, which is an amazing feat for me. I also found a swimsuit that I’m comfortable in…also an amazing feat, lol.

In other news, I’m taking the girls to Hutchinson on Monday to see our new home. I’m so excited!! If I could already be moved, I would. I hope that this move holds good things for us. I am ready to be away from all of the memories of that old life that seem to loom around every corner here…every time I see a police officer, drive by our house, go out to eat, pretty much everything holds a memory. I’m sick of it. The next few weeks mark one year since it all fell apart, and I’m startled to discover just how painful everything still is. Every time I think about the fact that he was with me and her it makes me feel horrible and dirty and disgusting, like I need to take a scalding hot shower. It totally disgusts me.

I know I’ve made a ton of progress in the last year…I don’t even recognize that person I was when I was married to him, but it certainly doesn’t take much to take me right back to the horrible feelings he caused. Sara says I shouldn’t let him have control over my feelings, and I don’t feel like I do, but one negative word from him can send me into tears. A few weeks ago when I was in Hutchinson he called me and accused me of sending his grandpa copies of emails, after which he called me horrible things. I didn’t send his grandpa anything, but he, of course, doesn’t believe me. It just bugs me that his whole family thinks I did that and I didn’t. Still makes me want to bawl, but I have to accept the fact that there isn’t a single thing I can say that will make him believe me, so I just have to ignore his accusations, be assured that I know the truth, and remember that his family is his anyways, and just because I was a part of that family for ten years doesn’t mean I am now. That is, perhaps, the bitterest pill of all…for someone who is an only child and isn’t at all close to her family, it is difficult to give up the family I always wanted. I guess that’s why God blesses us with friends, and why I’m supposed to depend on Him to meet my emotional needs. It is, after all, the most important lesson a person can learn….people will ALWAYS let us down; only God is always solid, always loving, and always there. Nobody else can really be counted on. I’m not being cynical here, but I think most people know that even your best friend will eventually hurt your feelings, even the most caring spouse will make a mistake…God’s the only one who doesn’t. Ever. Makes it hard for me to believe that I can really trust anyone…maybe I am cynical…damn.

I can do this, I can make it through…if I couldn’t I would have laid down and died a long time ago…I just have to learn how to acknowledge these hurt feelings, resolve them, and keep going…it’s possible, right?