March 2008

When is the going to stop hurting???? March 7, 2008

Disclaimer: this is the same blog i’ve been writing for 4 months now, but with more really bad language than before…I had to get it out though…sorry folks

Okay…so I obviously made a huge mistake this evening…was searching for friends on here and stumbled across dumba**’s page. Okay, it has been….9 months since all of this s** hit the fan, and, quite frankly, that other life seems like some sort of distant dream that you foggily remember. If I wasn’t living among the wreckage I wouldn’t even believe that the last ten years were real.

So here’s what I know; I’m better off, I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I’m excited about the rest of my life. Here’s what my heart cannot seem to fathom; that he really f**** didn’t love me. I read his blogs…all about how much he misses her blah blah blah. WTF?? Okay, I don’t miss him…that I know. I just wish that I could fathom the fact that it was a lie. Don’t worry, folks, i know you’re getting tired of reading these same thoughts over and over…but alas, it’s my blog and I’ll regurgitate if i want to! He doesn’t even understand that he hurt me, and that he isn’t the victim. he did this to himself. he said he didn’t understand how he could be in heaven for 6 months and then it could all go to s***. well…here’s a f**** thought moron…how the F*** do you think it felt after 10 years?? How the h*** can that moron actually think that he could seriously just throw us out and I would be fine and the girls wouldn’t be having the problems they are having…maddie’s grades are falling AND they are both being overly physical, hitting and kicking etc.

Is it May yet?? We need to get way the hell out of here!! It’s time for all of us to get a fresh start.

Realization for the day (short and sweet) March 11, 2008

Realization for the day: I am a single parent, and chances are I will be for a long long time, maybe forever. I am the only person in my children’s lives who is capable (mentally, financially, physically, and spiritually) and responsible for making decisions. If I mess up, we’re all screwed. I cannot be frivolous; I must constantly keep in mind that I am their sole provider, and I must not be greedy or self-centered. This means that every single thing I do must be weighed carefully before it is done to see if it is in their best interests. This also means that I must take care of me mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually so that I remain capable. It also means that I must live in a manner that demonstrates what it means to be a strong and capable woman of God. Does this mean I have to be boring? Definitely not….but it does mean being careful about the concepts and the people I choose to bring into our lives. So…new focus…all about the girls and our family and getting us on track…the fact is, this is our life, and I don’t want to live every day just surviving. I want to love life and live life and teach my girls to do that too.

Eye Makeup…Wonderful Stuff March 26, 2008

Here’s a question I have; how the h*** did I miss out on so many benchmarks on the way to womanhood??? It blows my mind every time I learn something new about being girly (not that I mind being a girl, lol). It just seems like maybe somebody would have taught me these things. Like, oh, I don’t know…maybe my MOTHER???

There’s the horrid kitchen disasters, my inability to sew or sort clothes before washing them (okay, that one may just be a refusal to learn), my inability to choose stylish clothing or to walk in high heels, and my idiocy when it comes to hair and makeup. Was I seriously that much of a tomboy??? Was I really so incredibly worried about working on my car and hunting and crap to worry about girly stuff?? Apparently…

July 11 was a big day for me…it’s the day I got my hair cut off. That was the first big thing…stylish hair. Hair that actually had to be DONE every day, not just loooong brown hair that was always in a ponytail. Then there was the weight loss. Then there were the new clothes (all Dawn’s fault once again). All of that was followed by makeup; foundation, lipstick, mascara, all stuff I wore ocassionally, but all of a sudden I wasn’t leaving the house w/o it. This was followed by a stern lecture from my partner in crime about how there are actually people who will change your oil for you…when I said I would do it she said “no, we don’t do those things.” Turns out she was right…way easier for someone else to do it. So then there were more clothes, more weight loss, and….the tattoo!! Yay! This was followed closely by high heels, real jewelry (not the fake kind), more clothes, and believe it or not….a dress. Yuck. But the true benchmark occurred over spring break….

I learned how to put on EYE MAKEUP!! Eye shadow AND eyeliner…who would have thought! People have been stopping me all week asking me what I did differently. Not only was I educated in this area, but then there was….(blame Dawn again)…the eyebrow WAXING!!! Holy crap…the things we do.

Now, I’m aware that most girls just know this innately…it’s not that I couldn’t be girly…just not to this extent. I’m paying more for a bottle of shampoo then I used to spend in a year for shampoo…I was much cheaper before. I also felt too busy to do all of that stuff before. But now…what the h***? Turns out you can be girly and a tomboy…I checked and refilled all of the fluids in my car just a few weeks ago . WHILE looking great, lol!!

Now all I need is to hire a maid and a cook, and I’ll be set….or maybe I’ll just stick w/ what I’m doing…yup, maybe that’s it .