February 2008

What a year (it’s bitchy, but there’s a positive ending) February 20, 2008

So, at some point, I actually thought that when the calendar flipped over to January 2008 my life would **magically** be calm and normal and wonderful. WRONG!! This year is proving to be a hectic roller coaster ride. The girls have just recovered from THE flu, which I hope is the last in a long string of illnesses…both girls have had ear infections, some sort of respiratory virus, and the flu in the last six weeks, and it’s getting a little tiring

Their father is a mess, and while it doesn’t really matter to me personally, it matters because it affects them, which means I am involved. That whole circle is getting ridiculous, quite frankly, and part of me wishes he’d just butt out until he gets himself figured out. It feels like a dream to me, that I was married to him for over nine years and now my stable, steady, police officer husband has become a weak suicidal ass. Makes me wonder how long I let myself go believing we were so happy..

And….there’s that other thing, that thing that I hate to talk about and that embarrasses me deeply, and that the whole town knows about because it was in the paper but many of you don’t know about…so here I go….going to say it out loud and get the embarrassment over…when Ross left he literally picked up and left; he took his clothes and his guns, but literally nothing else. He also didn’t take any of the bills. We always had great credit; hell, when we moved here we qualified to own two houses-the one in Garden and the one here. I’m not saying we were well off by any means; we had a lot of credit card debt, but that’s life these days. We always paid our bills on time and were always very honest with our money. However, when half of your income walks out the door without looking back, there’s no way you can keep paying for everything you always had. I obviously had to keep food on the table, and electricity and all that, which meant that credit card bills had to fall by the wayside. I decided in August that I couldn’t make it on my own with all the bills, and my attorney encouraged me to file bankruptcy even though I’m morally opposed to it. He pointed out that even if I had a settlement saying he’d pay half the credit cards, the companies could still come after me if he didn’t. So…here I am…I’ve signed the bankruptcy papers and am ready to put them in the mail. It’s so humiliating. And to add to that…our house, our wonderful beautiful house of broken dreams, is being auctioned in two short weeks. Several people have told me there’s not a thing I could do, and that bankruptcy was my only option, and that that is what it’s there for, but it still feels humiliating and wrong. Like stealing and then hiding behind a big brother so the person you stole from can’t get at you. It really really sucks. And I wonder what that will do to my future…like if I move will I be able to open a checking account somewhere, or will they all refuse. Then what do I do? And what if I meet somebody wonderful and they find out about the bankruptcy and decide to run in the other direction rather than deal with my shitty credit? Damn it all!!

I’m just ready for all this drama to end, to a week when I can fully focus on my kids and my students and ME without being interrupted by LIFE. Okay, that’s enough venting….now for a positive…

I pushed the “submit” button on two applications today. I am applying in Newton and Goddard. I would love Goddard; close to Wichita AND the position is for fifth grade. I LOVE fifth grade!! Newton has a second grade open, and I would love that too. I’ve decided that second grade is my limit, though. I won’t go below second and I won’t go above fifth. A girl has to have boundaries. Moving makes me nervous…so many unknowns and the idea of being alone in a bigger place is incredibly scary, but I think we need it. The girls have been getting into fights at school with Tyra’s daughter, and it’s all very uncomfortable. I do not want the shadow of what Ross chose to do to define my children or me…I want us to be known for who we are, not as those poor girls….a new place far away from here may be just the ticket.

Today is a thankful day… February 25, 2008

That I get to raise my girls and be close to them

That I found confident and happy me

For a new phone that doesn’t hang up on everyone i talk to

For still getting to see my chia dog and play with her once in awhile

for the members of ross’s family who are not acting like i never existed…it means alot to mean to know that i’m still love

for my family and discovering that they aren’t all bad, lo

That I’m getting new tires tomorrow

That I read my court agreement and i only have to pay half of the girls’ medical bill

That my bills are payed

That I finished my taxes

That I checked and refilled all of the fluids in my car this weekend

That Jason came over and jumpstarted my car on Friday

That the carnival was a blast and I got to experience that wonderful small town atmosphere one last time…everyone knows everyone, like one big reunion, and everyone works hard to make it come together, and everyone has fun

That Ross and I can be civil to eachother and that I forgave him and didn’t let myself be eaten up by grief or anger

For loving my job

For my awesome coworker

For finishing my applications, and for interviews, and for acheivement

For finishing my taxes and other paperwork!