December 2007

Fake It Til You Make It or The Power of Forgiveness December 5, 2007

If you have children, you know that they always seem the same, until all of the sudden one day you realize that they’ve drastically changed since the last time you really noticed. I realized today that that doesn’t just happen with children, sometimes that happens with yourself, too

The last several months have been the most difficult months of my life; there were times when I seriously thought (and wished) I would die, but I kept going, sometimes living moment by moment, repeating the phrase “fake it til you make it” over and over in my head. Faking it isn’t always a good thing, of course, because if you continually push everything down it will eventually have to come out, a lesson I learned during this process. You have to let yourself feel the pain; you can’t pretend like it’s not there. I’ve gotten to the point where, if something hurts, I acknowledge that it hurts (or sucks, or isn’t fair), and then I tell myself that that’s life and that we all have pain, and I pick myself up and keep going. I have had happy times, but underneath it still hurt a lot, and so I just kept slogging through, hoping and praying that it would all get better, that at some point it wouldn’t be fake anymore

The last month and a half has been an incredibly healing time on my journey; it started out poorly, I honestly was not sure that I could continue living in this town. I explored my options, was even offered a job elsewhere, and took some time off of work to get myself together. After that, it was all pretty much uphill. I came home, ready to get back on the horse, so to say, and have had great things happen. There has been lots of fun (tattoos, old town, etc.), and I have great hair for the first time in my life (not to mention newly found confidence, in case you didn’t notice), and people are asking me how much weight I’ve lost (yay!), and I’m making new friends and restoring relationships with old ones

The major change in my outlook and my attitude has come as I’ve worked through the process of letting go of the hurt I’ve experienced and to start the process of healing and forgiving. Last week there was a letter in the mail for Maddie and Belle, and it turned out to be a birthday invitation for Sara’s party (Sara is Tyra’s daughter). The party is this Sunday, which is my weekend to have the girls, but that’s not what bothered me. What bothered me is that they sent an invitation rather than just calling and asking if the girls could come over for awhile, which I wouldn’t say no to w/o good reason, and because it really hurt to see “party given by Ross and Tyra.” Felt like they were rubbing it in my face. So, I acknowledged my hurt and went on, and when Ross dropped them off on Sunday I asked him if he’d just pick up the girls on Sunday. He said “for what?” and so I reminded him of the party. I think he was totally shocked. When I got home, there was an email in my inbox from….Tyra. That was a little shocking (this is a massive understatement). She thanked me for letting the girls come and said they’d be more than happy to pick them up. I emailed her back and told her she didn’t need to thank me; they are an important part of my girls’ lives, and I would never let my feelings get in the way of that. I also told her thank you for taking care of them so well and loving them, because ultimately, I want my girls to be loved everywhere they go, including at their house. It felt good to send that email, to show each other that we could be civil.

When I was getting my hair done last night I knew I wouldn’t be done before the girls came home, so I called Ross and asked him if the girls could stay with him for a while longer, and he said sure if I’d come and get them when I was done. I’ve never done that before; he made me come and get them there once when he was being a real jerk, but I couldn’t make myself do it (and couldn’t drive because I was bawling), so Dawn took me and she got out and got the girls. But…I knew that eventually the day would come when I would need to conquer that fear, and I was feeling so confident yesterday that I felt like I could do it. And I did!! I went and got them, and when I got there Tyra was standing by the door, and before I could knock she waved me in, so I stepped in and she said “hi,” so I said “hi,” and that was about it, because what do you say to the woman who did that? Sara was right there, so I talked to her while the girls got ready; much easier to talk to a five year old! I feel like I just climbed a huge mountain, and I’m standing at the top celebrating. I can do this; I can be on speaking terms with them, be nice even, for the sake of my girls. Tonight when they come home saying they wanted to be in wrestling, I said no way, but felt like I needed some backup, so I texted Ross and explained the situation. His reaction? “NO WAY!” I don’t know why I did it, but I texted him back and said “I’m glad we both agree,” with a little smiley face. He said thanks. That’s a big thing for us at this point; the first thing we’ve agreed on in months. Several people have said that they couldn’t do it, that they’d try to make his life miserable, but the truth is I don’t want to. Because if I’m making his life miserable, that means I have to think about him all the time, and I don’t. I love my life, and I realized yesterday that I’m happy, truly happy, for the first time ever. At some point my faking it really did turn into making it, and I didn’t even realize it. Why would I give that up? So that I could walk around angry and hurt all the time? No thanks. I would rather get on with my incredibly awesome life

So…I faked it, and now I’m making it. Notice I didn’t say “I made it,” because that would insinuate that my growth is over, and it is just beginning. I am making it, and I am loving it; who knew that life could be this great of a ride??

Scared to trust again… December 10, 2007

I’ve had this uneasy feeling all day, and I haven’t been able to figure out why. Then, it dawned on me…I have issues (D*** the issues!). I love my life right now. I love the fact that I’m happy for the first time and that I’ve discovered so much about me. I honestly wouldn’t trade this. It has made me a better person

I do not want to carry around the baggage of this relationship; I want to leave it here and continue down the road. And I think I’m doing that, but there’s still one bag I don’t know how to put down. How the hell do you trust someone again? If the one person you thought would never betray you can betray you, then who the heck can you trust? I’m afraid that this perfidy (get out the dictionary…I’m not telling you what it means!) may stick with me forever, ruining any potential I may hope for with someone else. Where is the answer to this? I am actually scared to just whole heartedly trust someone, even if I want to, for fear that I’ll just get hurt again. I’m sure I’ll experience hurts, but this ultimate betrayal is a tough thing to get over.

I have a feeling I know the answer to this, and I hate it. I have to let myself trust, because ultimately all relationships, whether they be friends, relatives, or something else, are based on that, and a key issue in trust is that it is a risk. That’s what life is, and when you stop taking risks you stop living. I feel like I’m standing in an airplane, looking down, down, down at the earth below and thinking “there is no way in hell I’m jumping.” Everything in me is resisting, and I will stay right here if I listen to that. I need to give myself a push here and let myself go, but I’m scared. Just wanted to get that out.

Everyone stares at a train wreck, even me. December 12, 2007

Wow. That’s all I can say. Wow

You all know my story by now, and if you don’t…well, where the heck have you been? Okay, so in case you didn’t know this part…Tyra (Ross’s girlfriend and the woman he cheated on me with) has a reputation in this little town for destroying marriages, both of others and of her own, and for sleeping around quite extensively. I did not know this until it was too late, but as soon as I did know it I took myself into the doctor and, sobbing, asked them to run all of those horrible tests to check for STD’s. As horrible and embarrassing as that was, I got through it and was quite thankful to get clear results. Okay, so you get the point…this woman is not a nice person sexually speaking. She preys on married men. On we go…

Everyone (and I do mean everyone…being famous in a small town for what she does is not good) told me that this was her pattern, luring men into her little snare, making them comfortable, and then dumping them as soon as they gave up their former lives. They all said it would never last, but I chose to ignore that talk because, at the time, I did not want to go through life waiting for it to happen in case it never did and they actually managed to live happily ever after. That would have been too painful to face, so I chose to not listen to those people, and eventually I discovered that I didn’t care one way or the other, because I have a pretty awesome life right now, and I wouldn’t trade it. I am so thankful I figured that out

Last night I got a phone call, and the person just told me that they wanted me to know that Tyra had called the LEC today and asked one of her coworkers to let everyone who had been invited know that “the wedding is off!” I was totally shocked; the wedding was supposed to be Friday, and they were leaving for Vegas on Saturday. I have made my plans for the weekend, and had just spoke to him a few hours before about my being out of town and what he needed to do with the girls, and he had acted like everything was normal. A little investigating proved that the wedding was at least postponed, but that was all I had. Today I went to school and waited, knowing that eventually the gossip would trickle to me, and that I didn’t have to actually seek out the information. Sure enough, a person who knew that I was friends with Dawn called her and just said that they had heard (gossip is horrible, but I’m just going to go with it, because it’s usually right) that Tyra felt like Ross had been smothering her and she just couldn’t stand it. THEN another friend of mine, whose aunt was invited to the wedding, told me that not only was the wedding off, but Tyra was telling everyone that he had not been helping pay for anything and had just been mooching off of her and that every time my girls were over there she had to take care of them

So…here I am, thankful that I have gotten to discover myself and happier than I have ever been, and my feelings are confusing. I feel like I should care, but the truth is, I don’t. I care that my girls are going to have to go through hurt because he exposed them to his extramarital activities, and I worry that he’ll walk out on them and not step up to the plate, but I don’t care about him. If he shows up on my doorstep all he’ll get is a piece of my mind and a splinter in his nose from where the door hits him. He divorced ME, and I wanted to work on it, but the thing is…that’s over. Really, really over. Those divorce papers solidified it, and I have no obligation whatsoever to take him back. And the truth is, he won’t find the woman he was married to ever again, because I am far from being that girl. I have discovered ME and I love it, and I am not the prim and proper stuck up judgmental b*** that I was when I was married to him, and I am not going back. He’s going to have to figure this mess out for himself, and he’s going to have to figure out how to parent while his life is a mess, because I’m not giving him a break. He left me reeling and wondering what the hell had just happened and if I wanted to go on, and I had to pick myself up and be steady for my girls, and he’s going to have to do the same thing when it’s his weekend. Hope that’s not bitchy, but this isn’t my problem

I wonder if he feels like a total foolish jackass right now…I wonder if he’ll leave town (don’t know how he could stay here after all this)…I wonder how this is going to affect my girls, and how much this will affect my life, because while it shouldn’t really, it may. If he chooses to just let everything go, or if he chooses to continue to be late with child support, then my life will be impacted

So…I need to know what he’s doing with the girls this weekend, but I sure as hell am not going to call him and ask him, because I would imagine all that embarrassment is probably going to turn into anger, and I don’t want to be in the line of fire for that. I’m going to make alternate arrangements for them and then HOPE that he lets me know what’s going on. He doesn’t have to give me details, but I do need to know where the girls are concerned

Lots of people asked me if I was going to gloat, and lots of them said he got what he deserved, and that’s probably true, but I don’t really feel like gloating. I just plain don’t care. There it is. I don’t feel smug about it, and I don’t feel like calling and offering sympathy; I don’t care. I’m curious because I am involved in this horrid train wreck that he created and I want to know how this affects me and the girls, but as far as he goes…I just don’t care

So, the writer in me hates this, because I just rambled and because right here in this spot there should be a wonderful concluding paragraph that sums up everything I just wrote. BUT…I’m just going to leave it here. A long rambly blog, and if you seriously read that whole thing….wow….I apologize for boring you.