The First Year
This blog was not, by any means, the beginning of my writing. There is actually an entire year that precedes my current blog, but it was done through my MySpace page in a very “safe” atmosphere for me. When I made the jump to WordPress my blog took on a completely different tone, and I began to really think about what I was writing and how I was feeling. I’m still sharing my experience honestly, but I’ve been able to let some of the raw emotion go as I have healed. With that being said, I feel that my first year is imperative to understanding my journey, and as such I have made the decision to gradually share those blogs in these pages.
Please keep in mind that this was an incredibly painful period, full of ups and downs, and that I did not usually think before I wrote. You will witness my anger, my pain, my bitterness, but also my joy as I encountered a life I’d never imagined. Those of you who did not journey through that year with me may be surprised by my language, my attitude, and possibly even my actions. I do not condone any of it, but it is a very real part of my experience, as well as the experiences of others who have come forward and shared with me. I am not changing anything in these blogs except for taking out unnecessary names in order to protect the privacy of certain people who weren’t as exposed on a more private blog. I have also removed the comments of friends who may not want their experiences shared, but I do invite you to comment if you are so moved!
September 2007
Lessons Learned September 20, 2007
Okay… here’s where we (and by we I mean me) stand; it is Thursday, September 20, 2007; exactly 3 months and 2 days since my life came crashing down around me. In those 3 months, I have been knocked down and left wondering if I wanted to try to get up again, discovered the amazing strength offered to me through my faith in Christ, and come to the realization that I would not die without the man I thought I was madly in love with just 3 months and 3 days ago. I have also learned that life is not black and white; it is more shades of gray than I ever could have imagined, and all of that judgment I have always harbored against people who I thought didn’t have it as good as I did was a load of crap. I’m sorry if it was you, and I’m sorry if it hurt; saying that isn’t enough, but it’s all I have to offer you. I could go on with lessons learned for pretty much forever, but here are a few more; I am a STRONG woman, I have not let myself have the things in my life that I deserve, and I am a way better mother than my husband ever let me believe.
I never knew what real love was, and I was angry that God had brought us to this town and then let such a horrible thing happen. Now I see that God didn’t bring “us” to this town for a purpose; He brought me to this town for a purpose. He brought me here because He already knew I was going to have to walk this road, and He knew that if I had to do it in Garden with my family, and his family, and our past there haunting me, I probably wouldn’t have survived. So he brought me here, to this amazing town, where, sure, I have to endure the fact that everyone knows the intimate details of my life , but where I’ve also been blessed with more people who love me than I’ve ever had before. I didn’t even know that people could be so loving, so caring, of one another. I don’t think I ever really knew what love was until now. People I don’t even know are stopping me, hugging me, asking what they can do. People I only knew a little bit at the end of May are suddenly my best friends, my strongest supporters. My coworkers, so overwhelmed with their own lives, have gathered around me and lifted me and my girls up. My pastor and his wife (one of my best friends) have picked me up when I felt as if there was no way I could keep going, and he has almost literally spoon-fed me with the Word of God, while she has dropped everything at a moment’s notice to come over when another horrible lie was discovered. Then there’s my other best friend, one of the people who was obviously put in my life for a reason; she has been honest, and open, and exposed herself to all of the horrible feelings that have been dredged back up as she watched me struggle with the infidelity and the end of my dreams. She has let me cry when I needed to cry, laughed hysterically with me more times than I can count (sometimes while crying), and drank with me when I needed a drink. She has literally taken my hand and has begun introducing me to the scary (very scary) world of SINGLEDOM. She has been honest about that world, and has, with great bunches of humor, helped me to “grow up” in this new life. Love is this; allowing your new friend to snore on your couch when she hasn’t slept for days, even though your family is trying to watch a movie (I couldn’t possibly have been that loud); dropping everything at the first phone call or text message when all you hear is crying or all you read is “help;” laughing, crying, sharing, and offering everything. This is love. Wow. I am blessed.
I think I digressed…oh, well, I’m leaving it. I have also discovered that patience is an amazing thing. I have had my moments of bitterness and anger, but only occasionally at the wrong times. I have not spread gossip, have not said anything too terrible (I’ve apologized when terrible did come out), and I have not launched a smear campaign against anyone. I have simply waited, knowing that, although it seemed like I was the only one having to deal with the fallout of all of this, he would eventually have consequences. And…guess what? It was true. I spent many an hour asking God when exactly that would happen, and it has. Every choice has consequences, and he will have to deal with his, just like I have to deal with mine. I made choices, and although I didn’t realize it at the time some of my choices contributed to the end of my marriage. That’s life…it goes on. Lessons learned….
October 2007
This is going to be difficult… October 10, 2007
So…life is a little crazy, and I don’t really know what I’m writing about, because I forgot in the 10 seconds in took me to open this. I’m putting out a disclaimer, but will add it here…if you are one of the people who keeps patting me on the back and giving me kudos for reacting to this huge change in my life in such a positive way, thanks, but please be aware that I’m going through the grieving process just like everyone else does in this situation, and I have times when I’m so depressed I can’t stop crying, or so angry I want to break something or just cuss A LOT; I’m not perfect, I’m just trying not to be quite so public with this process….if you are a person who wants to or has to stay neutral in this situation, you may not want to read what I write, because I only have one side of this story, and since this is MY blog I’m going to retain the right to express my true feelings and thoughts, and they aren’t always nice….
Okay…remembered what I was going to write…grieving is not a linear process, it’s more like a really long circular process, kind of like a dog chasing its tail. It is exhausting, and I still have stupid feelings that don’t even make sense sometimes. It’s been a couple of months, but for awhile there I actually thought that if I just called and asked him to talk this out he’d come back. Luckily I never actually did that, because it was stupid. I don’t want this person back by any means; I want the boy I fell in love with back, not the person he has chosen to become. I’m glad I have some very great, very honest, and very blunt friends, who were quick to say “go ahead, call him, I’ll be here to scrape you up off the floor, because the man you loved would never have….(insert your choice of sh***y action here).” And it’s true…this isn’t my high school sweetheart we’re talking about; this is someone different.
So…today I got yelled at and hung up on, and I have no idea why, and when I called a friend crying she told me something that I know but that I needed to hear; she said “Jenn, you do not have to allow anyone to speak to you in that manner.” And you know what, she’s absolutely right…I don’t have to talk to him except when it comes to the girls. My friend also told me something that I recently realized, but had no idea anyone else had seen. In a marriage, two people are expected to be there for each other, to make each other better, to lift each other up. I admit, I made mistakes, but now I see that I was belittled…I thought we were so, so in love, and yet now I see that love doesn’t make you feel unworthy or ugly or like you are constantly failing. Love does not make you feel like you are a terrible parent or a failure as a wife just because you don’t do things just the way someone else does. I never knew that that was happening, but now that I’m out I do see it, and I’m thankful to be free because I DESERVE BETTER!! I can honestly say that I am having a good time getting to know me. Sure, it’s painful, and it’s lonely, and some days it feels like I can’t even keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I see the light at the end of this tunnel, and I’m going to keep moving in that direction until I get there.
The hard part? Watching that person I loved dying (not physically) and turning into an angry, amoral, twisted form of what he once was…it’s incredibly painful, and it’s hard to watch. No matter how much I want him to hurt like he hurt me, I hurt for that boy I fell in love with; I wonder where he went? I wonder where I went?
Another startling revelation: I have told my friends several times that I just pray that he doesn’t show up at my door while we’re still married asking me to take him back, because I would feel obligated to give it a go. Last night I realized that is no longer true; I would not feel that obligation, and that is not a road I will ever travel. It’s done, and I am free, and just because I don’t have those papers in my hands yet doesn’t mean that he’s my husband. He relinquished that right months ago, and I’m done; there will be no second chances!
I’m just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other, trying to do my best every day, and we’ll see where that gets me…
November 2007
***After reading my posts for this month, I have made the executive decision (hey, it’s my blog and I get to do what I please! 
) to replace letters after the first letter of foul words with stars because they are SO offensive. We are all adults (if you aren’t an adult you shouldn’t be reading this), so I’m sure you can supply the additional letters if you are so inclined, and if not you don’t have to be as bowled over by my lack of finesse in word choice. I would ask you to please remember…I am only human, with huge flaws, and I think that the blogs this month show that with clarity…this could be defined as the beginning of an angry period.
I really have to date? Are you freakin’ serious???? November 1, 2007
How exactly do you go about this??? Does anyone here realize I haven’t dated since I was 16?? This seems like a horribly awkward situation…
Dating Clarification November 2, 2007
Okay…so I just wanted to say, first of all, thanks for the advice, ladies, and second of all, I wanted to clarify…I don’t want to find THE ONE at this point…I just want to be able to go out and have fun. I read somewhere that women usually do one of two things at this point in their lives…they either 1) never ever date or 2) become total sex-freaks and sleep with anything that moves. I do not wish to be either of these things…I met a woman at the bank one day who has been divorced for 13 years and has never dated…holy cow!! I DO NOT want to be that woman! So…I’m going to push myself here, take a few risks, and have fun. The only males I know at this point are related to me or live next door to me (okay, that’s not true, but darn close), and I really just want to get to know people, to have real conversations w/ real boys! Not sleeping around, not compromising myself, but having some real fun…not sitting at home 13 years from now wondering what happened!
Down with December (The first in a series of blogs) November 27, 2007
So…here we are, hurtling toward the end of November and the beginning of that dreaded month, December. Why, you ask, would I dread such an awesome month? I certainly never have before, but..
1) He is getting married (married!) on the 14th, just six months after I found out that anything was wrong in our “perfect” marriage. The crazy thing is, I don’t know why this bothers me so much. I certainly don’t want him back, and can say with as much certainty as one can that I wouldn’t take him if he begged. He has hurt me and my girls way too much for that to happen, not to mention the fact that I am having way too much fun discovering my own life! I guess it just bothers me because…it’s so wrong. It seems like he should need some recovery time here…what was I? A piece of trash that he could just throw away? A disposable wife? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…if I would have picked anyone in this world who would do this, he would have been my last choice, even behind really important people like James Dobson and the Pope. AND they’re going to VEGAS for their honeymoon….a****** never took me anywhere (of course, they don’t have any money…her daddy is covering their a****…he’s probably relieved that someone would still marry his w**, marriage ruining (mine isn’t the first) b*** of a daughter)!! ~~Sorry…that was angry and bitter~
2) My girls aren’t going to be home for Christmas. This royally bites. Seriously? Haven’t I been through enough? Don’t I deserve them on one of the most important holidays of the year? I just want to skip the whole d*** thing. And in fact…I’m going to try. I am doing a good job of faking it for them…I dug out all of my nativities (I have 12 now!!), put up the stockings, and even went and bought these 3 cute little gatlinburg trees (our huge tree just wouldn’t fit in the apartment) so that we could hang up our ornaments (minus the ones that I smashed, such as the one he gave me of Prince Charming kissing Cinderella’s hand…that was a joke! and minus our “First Christmas” ornament, which I put into his ornament box. I loved that ornament…wonder what he’ll do with it. I knew I couldn’t just break it or throw it away, so it’s best that I don’t know. I’m going to do Christmas with the girls on the 27th, open presents (I bought them waaay to much stuff….I don’t even believe in spoiling kids, but I guess I am this year), go to Garden and have lunch at Applebees, go to the eye doctor (I know, this really isn’t a Christmas thing, but they need to go), and then see a movie and come back home. It’ll be fine.
Huh…when I look back at this blog, I think that December can’t possibly be too bad…there are only two things (granted they are really big sucky things) that are making it that way. And besides….all of you amazing people are going to help me get through, right? And…you’re going to make it an awesome month for me, right?? You guys are really the best!
Devious December…hee, hee, hee (The second in a series) November 27, 2007
So…we’ve already established the fact that Jenn’s December blows…now let’s talk about how we’re going to make it fun and memorable for *ME!
Here’s what I have so far…this weekend I have a lot to do (girls not with me), but on Saturday night I am planning on at least hanging out with a friend (not a bad thing) but MAYBE…going to Garden and getting an old coworker/friend (female) to go out with me to have FUN doing whatever people do when they go out..
After that, it’s two weeks of being mommy, playing it straight and living my normal life, but then..
I know that I have to be doing something on the 14th, because there is no way I’ll make it through if I’m thinking about what is happening. I’m not sure if everything will work out, but my plan is to leave at around 1 or 2, and then head into Wichita for 1) supper (I learned last time that this is an important first step to a night out) and 2) drinking, lots of drinking at my most favoritist bar in the world. I have a great friend who has volunteered to be designated driver for the evening, and I plan on getting drunk like I’ve never in my life been so that I don’t have to think about a d*** thing that is happening. Now, I am an educated person. I am intelligent and pretty straight-laced, and I know that coping with your problems with liquor is a bad, bad thing. HOWEVER…I am going to give myself a pass on this occassion, because there is nothing else I could do that night that would make it go away; not watching a movie, not praying or reading my Bible, not even having fun with friends. So…drinking it is. In a safe place, with a person who I trust with my life, and with all of the great people who frequent the place (it’s not a loud, smoky, bumping and grinding bar…it’s more like the bar on “Cheers…” people are friendly and educated, they all know each other, and they are nice! Okay…so that’s the fourteenth, followed by the fifteenth when I’ll be sick. HE informed me that “they” are leaving on the fifteenth (didn’t tell me why…the wedding on the 14th is TOP SECRET…don’t tell anyone, especially not me!) and that I would need to be at home so that he could bring the girls back even though it’s HIS weekend to have them. If this were two years from now and he were getting remarried, I would be fine w/ this, but because it’ll be less than 2 months after our divorce was final, I’m not so okay w/ my daughters coming home talking about the flippin’ white trash wedding. So…I think I’m going to see if my mom can take them until Sunday just to shield me from the girls’ excitement a little (and to give me recovery time, which isn’t terribly responsible, but give me a break…I’ve been responsible since I was 16 flippin’ years old)
Okay, onward we go…we get out of school on the 19th, and a*** will still be on his honeymoon discovering what a psycho he married (he really should listen when everyone in the whole flipping town is telling him these things). Of course, he’s supposed to take custody of the girls on the 19th for his Christmas visitation, but never mind…I’m keeping them until the 20th for dentist appointments, then they’re going to his parents until they decide to get themselves back here for the limited time he gets to see his daughters (since he chooses to have very little contact with them otherwise) and then….I’m OFF!!! More about this in the next blog…this one is a bit long!
Continued Deviousness (the third in a series) November 27, 2007
So…Christmas break…this is where YOU come in…I have from December 20th at noon through December 26th at 6:00 to fill. I don’t have tons of money, but enough for gas, a little food, maybe a motel if I need one (hopefully I won’t because of my friends, hint hint). My plan for right now involves swinging up to Fort Riley to see Sara for a couple of days before getting lost to go visit *mystery person* on my way to a friend’s parents house where I will get to uncomfortably watch another family have Christmas
So…any suggestions?? Anyone need visited by me? Even if I haven’t seen you in years, go ahead and ask…I don’t mind imposing (this is a joke…I haven’t gone that far over the edge, people). Anyone know anything hilarious, fun, or quirky to see in central or southern Kansas? I’m open…say anything, I won’t hold it against you, although I do retain veto power!
My Life Really Is Great November 27, 2007
I just want to say, that while I do have my struggling days, my life is going really great right now…how many people get a second chance like this? I have the most AWESOME friends, a great family, a sister and a brother I was afraid I would lose, and I’m meeting new people. I have two amazing little girls who I love with all my heart. I have my own PLACE!! A job I love….and the prospect of an awesome future. I’m looking forward to several things in the next few months, including a road trip, meeting new people, and really getting on my feet now that I am free and clear and can move on.
December 2007
Fake It Til You Make It or The Power of Forgiveness December 5, 2007
If you have children, you know that they always seem the same, until all of the sudden one day you realize that they’ve drastically changed since the last time you really noticed. I realized today that that doesn’t just happen with children, sometimes that happens with yourself, too
The last several months have been the most difficult months of my life; there were times when I seriously thought (and wished) I would die, but I kept going, sometimes living moment by moment, repeating the phrase “fake it til you make it” over and over in my head. Faking it isn’t always a good thing, of course, because if you continually push everything down it will eventually have to come out, a lesson I learned during this process. You have to let yourself feel the pain; you can’t pretend like it’s not there. I’ve gotten to the point where, if something hurts, I acknowledge that it hurts (or sucks, or isn’t fair), and then I tell myself that that’s life and that we all have pain, and I pick myself up and keep going. I have had happy times, but underneath it still hurt a lot, and so I just kept slogging through, hoping and praying that it would all get better, that at some point it wouldn’t be fake anymore
The last month and a half has been an incredibly healing time on my journey; it started out poorly, I honestly was not sure that I could continue living in this town. I explored my options, was even offered a job elsewhere, and took some time off of work to get myself together. After that, it was all pretty much uphill. I came home, ready to get back on the horse, so to say, and have had great things happen. There has been lots of fun (tattoos, old town, etc.), and I have great hair for the first time in my life (not to mention newly found confidence, in case you didn’t notice), and people are asking me how much weight I’ve lost (yay!), and I’m making new friends and restoring relationships with old ones
The major change in my outlook and my attitude has come as I’ve worked through the process of letting go of the hurt I’ve experienced and to start the process of healing and forgiving. Last week there was a letter in the mail for Maddie and Belle, and it turned out to be a birthday invitation for Sara’s party (Sara is Tyra’s daughter). The party is this Sunday, which is my weekend to have the girls, but that’s not what bothered me. What bothered me is that they sent an invitation rather than just calling and asking if the girls could come over for awhile, which I wouldn’t say no to w/o good reason, and because it really hurt to see “party given by Ross and Tyra.” Felt like they were rubbing it in my face. So, I acknowledged my hurt and went on, and when Ross dropped them off on Sunday I asked him if he’d just pick up the girls on Sunday. He said “for what?” and so I reminded him of the party. I think he was totally shocked. When I got home, there was an email in my inbox from….Tyra. That was a little shocking (this is a massive understatement). She thanked me for letting the girls come and said they’d be more than happy to pick them up. I emailed her back and told her she didn’t need to thank me; they are an important part of my girls’ lives, and I would never let my feelings get in the way of that. I also told her thank you for taking care of them so well and loving them, because ultimately, I want my girls to be loved everywhere they go, including at their house. It felt good to send that email, to show each other that we could be civil.
When I was getting my hair done last night I knew I wouldn’t be done before the girls came home, so I called Ross and asked him if the girls could stay with him for a while longer, and he said sure if I’d come and get them when I was done. I’ve never done that before; he made me come and get them there once when he was being a real jerk, but I couldn’t make myself do it (and couldn’t drive because I was bawling), so Dawn took me and she got out and got the girls. But…I knew that eventually the day would come when I would need to conquer that fear, and I was feeling so confident yesterday that I felt like I could do it. And I did!! I went and got them, and when I got there Tyra was standing by the door, and before I could knock she waved me in, so I stepped in and she said “hi,” so I said “hi,” and that was about it, because what do you say to the woman who did that? Sara was right there, so I talked to her while the girls got ready; much easier to talk to a five year old! I feel like I just climbed a huge mountain, and I’m standing at the top celebrating. I can do this; I can be on speaking terms with them, be nice even, for the sake of my girls. Tonight when they come home saying they wanted to be in wrestling, I said no way, but felt like I needed some backup, so I texted Ross and explained the situation. His reaction? “NO WAY!” I don’t know why I did it, but I texted him back and said “I’m glad we both agree,” with a little smiley face. He said thanks. That’s a big thing for us at this point; the first thing we’ve agreed on in months. Several people have said that they couldn’t do it, that they’d try to make his life miserable, but the truth is I don’t want to. Because if I’m making his life miserable, that means I have to think about him all the time, and I don’t. I love my life, and I realized yesterday that I’m happy, truly happy, for the first time ever. At some point my faking it really did turn into making it, and I didn’t even realize it. Why would I give that up? So that I could walk around angry and hurt all the time? No thanks. I would rather get on with my incredibly awesome life
So…I faked it, and now I’m making it. Notice I didn’t say “I made it,” because that would insinuate that my growth is over, and it is just beginning. I am making it, and I am loving it; who knew that life could be this great of a ride??
Scared to trust again… December 10, 2007
I’ve had this uneasy feeling all day, and I haven’t been able to figure out why. Then, it dawned on me…I have issues (D*** the issues!). I love my life right now. I love the fact that I’m happy for the first time and that I’ve discovered so much about me. I honestly wouldn’t trade this. It has made me a better person
I do not want to carry around the baggage of this relationship; I want to leave it here and continue down the road. And I think I’m doing that, but there’s still one bag I don’t know how to put down. How the hell do you trust someone again? If the one person you thought would never betray you can betray you, then who the heck can you trust? I’m afraid that this perfidy (get out the dictionary…I’m not telling you what it means!) may stick with me forever, ruining any potential I may hope for with someone else. Where is the answer to this? I am actually scared to just whole heartedly trust someone, even if I want to, for fear that I’ll just get hurt again. I’m sure I’ll experience hurts, but this ultimate betrayal is a tough thing to get over.
I have a feeling I know the answer to this, and I hate it. I have to let myself trust, because ultimately all relationships, whether they be friends, relatives, or something else, are based on that, and a key issue in trust is that it is a risk. That’s what life is, and when you stop taking risks you stop living. I feel like I’m standing in an airplane, looking down, down, down at the earth below and thinking “there is no way in hell I’m jumping.” Everything in me is resisting, and I will stay right here if I listen to that. I need to give myself a push here and let myself go, but I’m scared. Just wanted to get that out.
Everyone stares at a train wreck, even me. December 12, 2007
Wow. That’s all I can say. Wow
You all know my story by now, and if you don’t…well, where the heck have you been? Okay, so in case you didn’t know this part…Tyra (Ross’s girlfriend and the woman he cheated on me with) has a reputation in this little town for destroying marriages, both of others and of her own, and for sleeping around quite extensively. I did not know this until it was too late, but as soon as I did know it I took myself into the doctor and, sobbing, asked them to run all of those horrible tests to check for STD’s. As horrible and embarrassing as that was, I got through it and was quite thankful to get clear results. Okay, so you get the point…this woman is not a nice person sexually speaking. She preys on married men. On we go…
Everyone (and I do mean everyone…being famous in a small town for what she does is not good) told me that this was her pattern, luring men into her little snare, making them comfortable, and then dumping them as soon as they gave up their former lives. They all said it would never last, but I chose to ignore that talk because, at the time, I did not want to go through life waiting for it to happen in case it never did and they actually managed to live happily ever after. That would have been too painful to face, so I chose to not listen to those people, and eventually I discovered that I didn’t care one way or the other, because I have a pretty awesome life right now, and I wouldn’t trade it. I am so thankful I figured that out
Last night I got a phone call, and the person just told me that they wanted me to know that Tyra had called the LEC today and asked one of her coworkers to let everyone who had been invited know that “the wedding is off!” I was totally shocked; the wedding was supposed to be Friday, and they were leaving for Vegas on Saturday. I have made my plans for the weekend, and had just spoke to him a few hours before about my being out of town and what he needed to do with the girls, and he had acted like everything was normal. A little investigating proved that the wedding was at least postponed, but that was all I had. Today I went to school and waited, knowing that eventually the gossip would trickle to me, and that I didn’t have to actually seek out the information. Sure enough, a person who knew that I was friends with Dawn called her and just said that they had heard (gossip is horrible, but I’m just going to go with it, because it’s usually right) that Tyra felt like Ross had been smothering her and she just couldn’t stand it. THEN another friend of mine, whose aunt was invited to the wedding, told me that not only was the wedding off, but Tyra was telling everyone that he had not been helping pay for anything and had just been mooching off of her and that every time my girls were over there she had to take care of them
So…here I am, thankful that I have gotten to discover myself and happier than I have ever been, and my feelings are confusing. I feel like I should care, but the truth is, I don’t. I care that my girls are going to have to go through hurt because he exposed them to his extramarital activities, and I worry that he’ll walk out on them and not step up to the plate, but I don’t care about him. If he shows up on my doorstep all he’ll get is a piece of my mind and a splinter in his nose from where the door hits him. He divorced ME, and I wanted to work on it, but the thing is…that’s over. Really, really over. Those divorce papers solidified it, and I have no obligation whatsoever to take him back. And the truth is, he won’t find the woman he was married to ever again, because I am far from being that girl. I have discovered ME and I love it, and I am not the prim and proper stuck up judgmental b*** that I was when I was married to him, and I am not going back. He’s going to have to figure this mess out for himself, and he’s going to have to figure out how to parent while his life is a mess, because I’m not giving him a break. He left me reeling and wondering what the hell had just happened and if I wanted to go on, and I had to pick myself up and be steady for my girls, and he’s going to have to do the same thing when it’s his weekend. Hope that’s not bitchy, but this isn’t my problem
I wonder if he feels like a total foolish jackass right now…I wonder if he’ll leave town (don’t know how he could stay here after all this)…I wonder how this is going to affect my girls, and how much this will affect my life, because while it shouldn’t really, it may. If he chooses to just let everything go, or if he chooses to continue to be late with child support, then my life will be impacted
So…I need to know what he’s doing with the girls this weekend, but I sure as hell am not going to call him and ask him, because I would imagine all that embarrassment is probably going to turn into anger, and I don’t want to be in the line of fire for that. I’m going to make alternate arrangements for them and then HOPE that he lets me know what’s going on. He doesn’t have to give me details, but I do need to know where the girls are concerned
Lots of people asked me if I was going to gloat, and lots of them said he got what he deserved, and that’s probably true, but I don’t really feel like gloating. I just plain don’t care. There it is. I don’t feel smug about it, and I don’t feel like calling and offering sympathy; I don’t care. I’m curious because I am involved in this horrid train wreck that he created and I want to know how this affects me and the girls, but as far as he goes…I just don’t care
So, the writer in me hates this, because I just rambled and because right here in this spot there should be a wonderful concluding paragraph that sums up everything I just wrote. BUT…I’m just going to leave it here. A long rambly blog, and if you seriously read that whole thing….wow….I apologize for boring you.
January 2008
Realizing you really meant nothing…it hurts….a lot. January 11, 2008
I’m hurting, and I can’t even put it into words why, so I’m going to ramble along until it falls out. If you feel like rambling along with me, we shall press on, but this may be a long journey, so you may want to bail now..
So…on Tuesday morning at 10:00 I received a text that said “Tell my girls i love them and i am sorry. tell them i was a good dad. tell them goodbye 4 me!” from Ross. That moment was something I will never forget as long as I live; all I could think was “please don’t let it be too late!” Since that text, several things have conspired, and I am left with more information than I should possess that I now have to process and figure out
The honest truth
My husband did not love me. For a long, long time. And I didn’t know. Because he kept saying he did, and he kept acting like he did. And it hurts more than anything. It doesn’t hurt because I want him back; I have come to realize that the man I was married to is dead. The person who he is today is somebody I don’t even recognize. It hurts because I trusted him with my everything; he knew everything about me. I realize now that our marriage wasn’t the awesome thing I thought it was, but I really believe that we did love eachother. Or at least I believe I loved him. He told me last summer that he had only truly loved me the first year of our marriage and the years our girls were born. That’s three of the nine years we were married. That’s six years he didn’t love me and I loved him. Six years I trusted him and he deceived me. That hurts
It makes me think…I don’t know what love is. I wouldn’t know it if I saw it. And it makes me so, so scared to try it, because if the one person in the world who I trusted and believed in more than anyone else was lying to me the entire time, then how the hell do I know who to trust? How do I know? Why would I let myself be destroyed again? Does everyone lie? Am I such a horrible person, am I so incredibly terrible, that it was no problem to lie to me? I know I’m not perfect; I’m far from it. I’m messy and I’m fat and I’m not particularly pretty, but does that mean that I deserved this? And is the fact that he hadn’t loved me for years justification enough for him moving .. he got rid of me? Is that right
I know that my friends would tell me it’s not, and that everything I’ve written isn’t true. And yet, if I look at it and use the past to define the present, then it is true. Because my past obviously demonstrates the fact that anyone could lie and anyone could use you and anyone could rip you apart and throw you away without looking back. Because he didn’t look back. He seriously didn’t love me. And that is not a lie; trust me; because if it was a lie I would not have been treated as if I didn’t exist after he left (except for the times when he did have to acknowledge my presence, which he usually did by screaming at me and demeaning me). And am I so invaluable that his family, the family I knew for 10 1/2 years, the only family I ever really felt a part of, could toss me out like an old sock? Because that’s how it feels; his mother is pissed off that I called 911 after that text, and she acts as if what he did was fine because he was so miserable. His father? I don’t know how he feels, but his silence speaks volumes. His aunts and uncles and cousins? A couple sent Christmas cards, but everyone else appears to believe that I am a toxic b***. I must not be a very nice person for so many people to think nothing of throwing me away like a piece of trash
I know this sounds horribly depressing, and I’m sorry…I am overwhelmed with the fact that it was all a lie. A total and complete lie. I do not know how to accept that. And I know that it’s probably not this bad at all, but I’m feeling it right now, and that makes it real to me. I’m not done thinking this through, but am off to supper with Dawn, so it’ll have to do for now. More later!
tired mumblings January 12, 2008
So…here I am…27 years old, and realizing that the last 10.5 years of my life were pretty much all a lie. How do you just let that go? I know I have to, because if I don’t it will destroy me, but seriously…do you know what I gave up to marry him? I had one foot in the door at the Air Force Academy-Princeton was trying to recruit me-I had huge plans for my life, and I walked away from all of it because I fell in love
It’s not that good things didn’t happen during that time; I had two amazing daughters, became a teacher, and got to spend time with my best friend (or so I thought). And there lies the problem…I thought he was my best friend, I thought he was the love of my life, and I thought he was as crazy for me as I was for him, and I was wrong. So…it was all a lie. Dawn says that I’m wrong; she says that it was real for me, because I was there living it and I was sincere. She says that I was not living a lie; he was. He was lying to me, his daughters, his family, our friends, the world. I was truly living what I thought was a great life. Granted, I now know that it wasn’t as great as I led myself to believe. I see now that I let myself be defined by him; it’s been wonderful getting to know ME
Maybe that is worth 10.5 years…me…some people go their whole lives without knowing themselves, without finding out what they’re made of or how amazing the majority of people really are. I have gotten to do all of those things. And…I got Madeline and Belle; they are worth a lifetime all on their own
It’s still hard to wrap my brain around the lies, but I’ll get there; I just need to make sure I keep myself healthy for the girls while I’m getting there, because depressed mommy=not much fun
As for trusting again…I don’t know if I’ll ever fully get there…guess we’ll see
I know this is kind of rambly an doesn’t make a lot of sense, but i am exhausted!! Haven’t been sleeping much lately…maybe i’ll get caught up someday! Maybe I’ll redo this one tomorrow when i’m awake…
Life Sucks; God Must Have It In For Me January 25, 2008
So, there once was this girl, and sometimes life was tough for her but if one looked at the big picture, one would see that it wasn’t that horrible. This girl was born to very young and naive parents who probably shouldn’t have been parents. As she grew up, they loved her the best they could, but the fighting and arguing were sometimes overwhelming. This girl, who would always be an only child, was often left to her own devices, which lead her to make friends with some of the best companions one could ever have: books. They, along with her ragged pink teddy bear and her deer blankie, would be the only reliable companions she would ever have. The bear and the blankie were there for everything; for the shouting, and the spanking, and eventually the beating, for the misplaced blame, the neglect, and the verbal abuse. They were like sentinels, always there to catch the tears and feel the pain. One day the girl discovered that the only person she could truly count on was herself, so she set her sights high and set about pursuing her dreams. If only she had continued on that path of self-reliance, she may have spared herself much pain and embarrassment. But…she chose love instead, something that had always failed her, and would again given time
Putting one’s trust in another person will always fail; this I have learned, a bitter lesson I despise. For I am this girl, this girl who is once again left with nothing but myself to rely on. Of course, I got to live in a bubble for ten years, years in which I felt love and happiness and joy, until one day the bubble was burst and the lies were exposed. For there were lies…years of lies, years of being used, years wasted on a person who thought so little of me that he had no problem tearing me apart piece by piece
His leaving, it was horrible, but I understood; I had been a horrible wife. I had been too busy, too messy, not pretty enough, a terrible mother, and I always had my head buried in a book. I had not praised my husband enough, nor had I spent enough time with him. I took it all; he convinced me that I was the reason my marriage was ending. It was horrible, but it would pale in comparison to the horrors I would later encounter
So here I was, abandoned by my best friend. Sure, I had lived here for a full year, but I had made my life my husband and my children. Anyone who is a wife and parent knows that these responsibilities leave little time for other socializing, especially when your husband is a high and mighty police officer. I had…nobody. Sure, there was a best friend who lived five hours away, and another friend who had just moved six hours away, but I had nobody here to help me pick up these pieces. I made a rogue decision: I would confide in somebody, ask somebody for help, but who? The answer came when I went to church for the first time in months: my pastor’s wife, whom I also work with, and another woman I work with who also went to my church. These two women saved my life, and I am absolutely serious about that
From the realization that he had cheated, to the panic of discovering that, less than two weeks after he moved out, he was taking my children to that woman’s house, to the point less than a month later when he moved in with her and filed for divorce. And the pain…the pain of hearing him say that he hadn’t even loved me for half the time we had been married, and that he knew that we could work it out but he didn’t want to. How does one handle this? The betrayal was heavy on my heart. It was at this point that I took action; I got an apartment and moved out of the house with its malfunctioning air conditioner and old storm windows that wouldn’t even open, and experienced loss yet again as I had to give up my beautiful dog to him
Then there were all of the other horrors; his leaving was mild compared to the screaming and shouting and mean things he said in an effort to tear me down. The things he must have told his family about me, things that I still do not know, but that must have been horrible since most of them, most of the people who were the only real family I ever really knew and loved, do not speak to me. There were the things he told my children about me and about his life, things that they saw that took away their innocence, and the things they brought back and told me, yet another way of tearing me down. The baby was a breaking point for me; while we were still married, he knowingly and purposefully got her pregnant. The realization that I had been wadded up, tossed out, and replaced like a piece of trash was too much, and it truly broke me. Life did not seem worth it any more. If it weren’t for my daughters I would not be here, and if it weren’t for my friends I wouldn’t have recovered from the ensuing depression
Finally, the divorce was final, less than 5 months from the point when I realized anything was wrong. I was left with myself, broken, but still here, and my girls. But the suffering was not over. In the months following the divorce I have been yelled at, and ignored, and I have seen my children suffering. I have seen his life fall apart as he learned the lesson of life; trust noone. Of course, he hasn’t really learned it, because he’s still chasing her. But it wasn’t her he asked for help from when he thought he couldn’t go on; it was me. I do not want it to be me. I want him to leave me alone, and I want him to either step up with his daughters or get the hell out of the way
I am out of family sick days, with four months left in the school year. I am broke from doctor’s visits and prescriptions due to a month’s worth of illness in our home. I am avoiding filling out the bankruptcy papers because it is too too humiliating, and yet I have no choice. I have bill collectors calling on bills I cannot pay, and an exhusband who is continually behind on child support and who has defaulted on things he agreed to pay, leaving me as the target for even more collections. I am not a dishonest person; I have always paid my bills on time, and yet here I am, unable to do it on my salary, a salary that is barely covering us, but that is too great to qualify me for any assistance whatsoever. This is the most embarrassing thing that is happening to me. I do not even want to pay bills or balance the checkbook, because I do not want to see the truth looking at me in black and white
I have two girls who are sick, one of whom just got out of the hospital on Tuesday, who must be confused because their father hasn’t even called to check on them a single time. He is too wrapped up in his life, shocked that the woman he loved so much could have dropped him. He thinks our pain is equivalent, but I have ten years worth of memories to go with that pain
I am depressed. I have forgotten to take my meds all week, don’t even know where they are, and I am sick and I am tired but won’t go to sleep. I do not know why. My life sucks, and nobody is helping me. Why isn’t anyone helping me? Why isn’t God stopping all this misery?
February 2008
What a year (it’s bitchy, but there’s a positive ending) February 20, 2008
So, at some point, I actually thought that when the calendar flipped over to January 2008 my life would **magically** be calm and normal and wonderful. WRONG!! This year is proving to be a hectic roller coaster ride. The girls have just recovered from THE flu, which I hope is the last in a long string of illnesses…both girls have had ear infections, some sort of respiratory virus, and the flu in the last six weeks, and it’s getting a little tiring
Their father is a mess, and while it doesn’t really matter to me personally, it matters because it affects them, which means I am involved. That whole circle is getting ridiculous, quite frankly, and part of me wishes he’d just butt out until he gets himself figured out. It feels like a dream to me, that I was married to him for over nine years and now my stable, steady, police officer husband has become a weak suicidal ass. Makes me wonder how long I let myself go believing we were so happy..
And….there’s that other thing, that thing that I hate to talk about and that embarrasses me deeply, and that the whole town knows about because it was in the paper but many of you don’t know about…so here I go….going to say it out loud and get the embarrassment over…when Ross left he literally picked up and left; he took his clothes and his guns, but literally nothing else. He also didn’t take any of the bills. We always had great credit; hell, when we moved here we qualified to own two houses-the one in Garden and the one here. I’m not saying we were well off by any means; we had a lot of credit card debt, but that’s life these days. We always paid our bills on time and were always very honest with our money. However, when half of your income walks out the door without looking back, there’s no way you can keep paying for everything you always had. I obviously had to keep food on the table, and electricity and all that, which meant that credit card bills had to fall by the wayside. I decided in August that I couldn’t make it on my own with all the bills, and my attorney encouraged me to file bankruptcy even though I’m morally opposed to it. He pointed out that even if I had a settlement saying he’d pay half the credit cards, the companies could still come after me if he didn’t. So…here I am…I’ve signed the bankruptcy papers and am ready to put them in the mail. It’s so humiliating. And to add to that…our house, our wonderful beautiful house of broken dreams, is being auctioned in two short weeks. Several people have told me there’s not a thing I could do, and that bankruptcy was my only option, and that that is what it’s there for, but it still feels humiliating and wrong. Like stealing and then hiding behind a big brother so the person you stole from can’t get at you. It really really sucks. And I wonder what that will do to my future…like if I move will I be able to open a checking account somewhere, or will they all refuse. Then what do I do? And what if I meet somebody wonderful and they find out about the bankruptcy and decide to run in the other direction rather than deal with my shitty credit? Damn it all!!
I’m just ready for all this drama to end, to a week when I can fully focus on my kids and my students and ME without being interrupted by LIFE. Okay, that’s enough venting….now for a positive…
I pushed the “submit” button on two applications today. I am applying in Newton and Goddard. I would love Goddard; close to Wichita AND the position is for fifth grade. I LOVE fifth grade!! Newton has a second grade open, and I would love that too. I’ve decided that second grade is my limit, though. I won’t go below second and I won’t go above fifth. A girl has to have boundaries. Moving makes me nervous…so many unknowns and the idea of being alone in a bigger place is incredibly scary, but I think we need it. The girls have been getting into fights at school with Tyra’s daughter, and it’s all very uncomfortable. I do not want the shadow of what Ross chose to do to define my children or me…I want us to be known for who we are, not as those poor girls….a new place far away from here may be just the ticket.
Today is a thankful day… February 25, 2008
That I get to raise my girls and be close to them
That I found confident and happy me
For a new phone that doesn’t hang up on everyone i talk to
For still getting to see my chia dog and play with her once in awhile
for the members of ross’s family who are not acting like i never existed…it means alot to mean to know that i’m still love
for my family and discovering that they aren’t all bad, lo
That I’m getting new tires tomorrow
That I read my court agreement and i only have to pay half of the girls’ medical bill
That my bills are payed
That I finished my taxes
That I checked and refilled all of the fluids in my car this weekend
That Jason came over and jumpstarted my car on Friday
That the carnival was a blast and I got to experience that wonderful small town atmosphere one last time…everyone knows everyone, like one big reunion, and everyone works hard to make it come together, and everyone has fun
That Ross and I can be civil to eachother and that I forgave him and didn’t let myself be eaten up by grief or anger
For loving my job
For my awesome coworker
For finishing my applications, and for interviews, and for acheivement
For finishing my taxes and other paperwork!
March 2008
When is the going to stop hurting???? March 7, 2008
Disclaimer: this is the same blog i’ve been writing for 4 months now, but with more really bad language than before…I had to get it out though…sorry folks
Okay…so I obviously made a huge mistake this evening…was searching for friends on here and stumbled across dumba**’s page. Okay, it has been….9 months since all of this s** hit the fan, and, quite frankly, that other life seems like some sort of distant dream that you foggily remember. If I wasn’t living among the wreckage I wouldn’t even believe that the last ten years were real.
So here’s what I know; I’m better off, I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I’m excited about the rest of my life. Here’s what my heart cannot seem to fathom; that he really f**** didn’t love me. I read his blogs…all about how much he misses her blah blah blah. WTF?? Okay, I don’t miss him…that I know. I just wish that I could fathom the fact that it was a lie. Don’t worry, folks, i know you’re getting tired of reading these same thoughts over and over…but alas, it’s my blog and I’ll regurgitate if i want to! He doesn’t even understand that he hurt me, and that he isn’t the victim. he did this to himself. he said he didn’t understand how he could be in heaven for 6 months and then it could all go to s***. well…here’s a f**** thought moron…how the F*** do you think it felt after 10 years?? How the h*** can that moron actually think that he could seriously just throw us out and I would be fine and the girls wouldn’t be having the problems they are having…maddie’s grades are falling AND they are both being overly physical, hitting and kicking etc.
Is it May yet?? We need to get way the hell out of here!! It’s time for all of us to get a fresh start.
Realization for the day (short and sweet) March 11, 2008
Realization for the day: I am a single parent, and chances are I will be for a long long time, maybe forever. I am the only person in my children’s lives who is capable (mentally, financially, physically, and spiritually) and responsible for making decisions. If I mess up, we’re all screwed. I cannot be frivolous; I must constantly keep in mind that I am their sole provider, and I must not be greedy or self-centered. This means that every single thing I do must be weighed carefully before it is done to see if it is in their best interests. This also means that I must take care of me mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually so that I remain capable. It also means that I must live in a manner that demonstrates what it means to be a strong and capable woman of God. Does this mean I have to be boring? Definitely not….but it does mean being careful about the concepts and the people I choose to bring into our lives. So…new focus…all about the girls and our family and getting us on track…the fact is, this is our life, and I don’t want to live every day just surviving. I want to love life and live life and teach my girls to do that too.
Eye Makeup…Wonderful Stuff March 26, 2008
Here’s a question I have; how the h*** did I miss out on so many benchmarks on the way to womanhood??? It blows my mind every time I learn something new about being girly (not that I mind being a girl, lol). It just seems like maybe somebody would have taught me these things. Like, oh, I don’t know…maybe my MOTHER???
There’s the horrid kitchen disasters, my inability to sew or sort clothes before washing them (okay, that one may just be a refusal to learn), my inability to choose stylish clothing or to walk in high heels, and my idiocy when it comes to hair and makeup. Was I seriously that much of a tomboy??? Was I really so incredibly worried about working on my car and hunting and crap to worry about girly stuff?? Apparently…
July 11 was a big day for me…it’s the day I got my hair cut off. That was the first big thing…stylish hair. Hair that actually had to be DONE every day, not just loooong brown hair that was always in a ponytail. Then there was the weight loss. Then there were the new clothes (all Dawn’s fault once again). All of that was followed by makeup; foundation, lipstick, mascara, all stuff I wore ocassionally, but all of a sudden I wasn’t leaving the house w/o it. This was followed by a stern lecture from my partner in crime about how there are actually people who will change your oil for you…when I said I would do it she said “no, we don’t do those things.” Turns out she was right…way easier for someone else to do it. So then there were more clothes, more weight loss, and….the tattoo!! Yay! This was followed closely by high heels, real jewelry (not the fake kind), more clothes, and believe it or not….a dress. Yuck. But the true benchmark occurred over spring break….
I learned how to put on EYE MAKEUP!! Eye shadow AND eyeliner…who would have thought! People have been stopping me all week asking me what I did differently. Not only was I educated in this area, but then there was….(blame Dawn again)…the eyebrow WAXING!!! Holy crap…the things we do.
Now, I’m aware that most girls just know this innately…it’s not that I couldn’t be girly…just not to this extent. I’m paying more for a bottle of shampoo then I used to spend in a year for shampoo…I was much cheaper before. I also felt too busy to do all of that stuff before. But now…what the h***? Turns out you can be girly and a tomboy…I checked and refilled all of the fluids in my car just a few weeks ago . WHILE looking great, lol!!
Now all I need is to hire a maid and a cook, and I’ll be set….or maybe I’ll just stick w/ what I’m doing…yup, maybe that’s it .
April 2008
The Plan (The First In A Series Of Blogs) April 25, 2008
Wow…has life been crazy lately, or what? I find myself looking at the next several months with a little bit of fear but a huge sense of excitement…I can’t believe I’m moving!! It’s hard to believe that it hasn’t even been a year since it all fell apart, especially since it seems to be coming back together so well…
So, here’s the plan…there are 18 1/2 loooong days left in this school year. I always forget how crazy the kids get at this time of year, and I also always forget how much I love the last few weeks of school. Everyone’s readiness to be out forces me to be really creative in my planning, which means we tend to do really awesome things and have a lot of fun while learning. I’m going to miss my class and (some of) my coworkers. We have two more grade level meetings this year, which are the things I’m dreading the most. Eight teachers is just too many in one building…I’m the second grade chair, and I’m sick of the bickering and the b***. It will take all of my willpower to not tell a few people to grow up, suck it up, and be professional, lol. Of course, since I’m leaving….it’s tempting.
I digress…big shocker there….
So…I have to be in Wichita on May 19, and am planning on going up on the 17th and house hunting (thank GOD for tax refund checks!) before spending a day or so with Sara at her aunt’s house in Maize. School’s out on the 24th, and then I’m going to sit back and enjoy the month of June with Dawn and Cherylen. You know…sleep late, hang out, have a light lunch before spending hours at the pool every afternoon, then a light supper followed by training at the track (more about that later).
Moving day is tentatively set for June 28, and then…scary…new life. Yikes. My biggest fear is finances…I’m taking lump sum on my summer pay, which means three months pay will be given to me on June 1, after which I won’t see a paycheck until September 15. This seems slightly insane to me…hope I can manage it. Then, my checks will be smaller next year because I’m taking a paycut. That’s the price I have to pay for escaping the pit of hell…they pay people really well to teach here, lol.
It’ll be fine…I know it will…just scary. This is the general overview blog…I’m in computer deprivation mode, so will limit it to this for now, but will write more later….
May 2008
Time Is Flying! May 10, 2008
Question: Is it possible to move in an organized fashion? Are there rules and guidelines about packing? Am I the only person who has never moved a considerable distance?
I know it’s a little early to start packing my personal stuff, but I have to pack my classroom. I’ve actually already started; I only have a few more things to go through! Then I have to figure out what to do with all of it for the next month while I still live here but no longer have a classroom…GULP! I am, by nature, not a saver…I’m a thrower. I am messy, messy, messy, but when I do decide to clean up, I save NOTHING. If it won’t get used, I’m not going to save it “just in case.” It seems odd to me, then, that I should have so much crap! I have packed A LOT, and I have given away a ton of materials that are for the primary grades (since I get to teach FIFTH GRADE!! YAY!!). I guess I’ll just cram it into my itsy bitsy apartment for a month, lol.
I still haven’t found a place to live…am going to wait until after I get paid on the 21st. Hopefully I’ll find something in Buhler…gas is too expensive to commute, but I will if I have to! I’m excited to get on with this all…
I’m going to enjoy the next 8 1/2 days with my students, and then I’ll be done with work here…pack it up, get it out, and look to the future. Then, I’ll be very patient while waiting to figure out where we’re living and when we’re going there. We’ll get there…it’ll just take awhile, lol!
I Really Feel Like A Grownup, And I’m Not Sure I Like It May 25, 2008
Does anyone ever really get used to being a grownup, or are we all stuck in this quasi-fantasy that we’re really just learning? Yesterday I signed a contract on a rental in Hutchinson, and now I think I’m in shock. I’m 28 years old, divorced with two children, a bachelor’s degree and a successful career, have owned two homes, lost everything, and rebuilt my life, and I still feel like an 18 year old. What the heck is up with that?
The fact is, this is something I have never done; sure, I’ve moved, rented a place on my own, and started a new job before, but I’ve never moved to a new town in a completely different area all by myself. I would imagine most people get this experience when they go away to college, which I, of course, never had to do. The only difference here is I don’t get to party and depend on mommy and daddy right now…instead I have full responsibility for myself and, more importantly, two little girls who are counting on me to not screw up their lives any more than they’ve been screwed up in the past year. I know that I can do this, but it certainly is scary!
So…I’m moving on June 14, in less than three weeks…I can’t believe this is happening so fast. I rented a great duplex yesterday; it has a garage and a huge, beautiful yard for the girls to play in. It, unfortunately, doesn’t have a basement, but the garage is deep and will allow for some storage. The carpet is nice, newer, and clean, which is always a plus, and there is a fireplace in the livingroom and a nice pantry in the kitchen. It’s on the edge of town, kind of in a “countryish” spot that is being developed w/ very nice homes. It’s also right on my way to work, which is a major plus! Next Monday I’m going to take the girls up. I’ll take possession that day, so they can see where we’re living and experience Hutchinson a little bit. I’ll also run them out to Buhler to see their new school, and maybe take them to the Cosmosphere. I’m excited to show them their new home, and curious to hear what they say about all of the trees and greenness in the area!
On Cynicism, and Hope… May 31, 2008
Summer…I’d forgotten how much I really do like it! The last week has been filled with mornings of packing and afternoons at the pool…it doesn’t get any better than this! I managed to avoid a truly severe sunburn this year, which is an amazing feat for me. I also found a swimsuit that I’m comfortable in…also an amazing feat, lol.
In other news, I’m taking the girls to Hutchinson on Monday to see our new home. I’m so excited!! If I could already be moved, I would. I hope that this move holds good things for us. I am ready to be away from all of the memories of that old life that seem to loom around every corner here…every time I see a police officer, drive by our house, go out to eat, pretty much everything holds a memory. I’m sick of it. The next few weeks mark one year since it all fell apart, and I’m startled to discover just how painful everything still is. Every time I think about the fact that he was with me and her it makes me feel horrible and dirty and disgusting, like I need to take a scalding hot shower. It totally disgusts me.
I know I’ve made a ton of progress in the last year…I don’t even recognize that person I was when I was married to him, but it certainly doesn’t take much to take me right back to the horrible feelings he caused. Sara says I shouldn’t let him have control over my feelings, and I don’t feel like I do, but one negative word from him can send me into tears. A few weeks ago when I was in Hutchinson he called me and accused me of sending his grandpa copies of emails, after which he called me horrible things. I didn’t send his grandpa anything, but he, of course, doesn’t believe me. It just bugs me that his whole family thinks I did that and I didn’t. Still makes me want to bawl, but I have to accept the fact that there isn’t a single thing I can say that will make him believe me, so I just have to ignore his accusations, be assured that I know the truth, and remember that his family is his anyways, and just because I was a part of that family for ten years doesn’t mean I am now. That is, perhaps, the bitterest pill of all…for someone who is an only child and isn’t at all close to her family, it is difficult to give up the family I always wanted. I guess that’s why God blesses us with friends, and why I’m supposed to depend on Him to meet my emotional needs. It is, after all, the most important lesson a person can learn….people will ALWAYS let us down; only God is always solid, always loving, and always there. Nobody else can really be counted on. I’m not being cynical here, but I think most people know that even your best friend will eventually hurt your feelings, even the most caring spouse will make a mistake…God’s the only one who doesn’t. Ever. Makes it hard for me to believe that I can really trust anyone…maybe I am cynical…damn.
I can do this, I can make it through…if I couldn’t I would have laid down and died a long time ago…I just have to learn how to acknowledge these hurt feelings, resolve them, and keep going…it’s possible, right?
June 2008
If I were a puppy, I’d be chasing my tail right now… June 3, 2008
I’m pretty sure that excited doesn’t really cover my emotional state right now, but it’ll have to do! I took the girls to Hutch yesterday, and we had a great day. We went and looked at one of the free water play parks they have so the girls could see something fun to do, and then we went to…our new home!! It’s going to be great! The neighborhood is wonderful; it’s semi-rural, barely in the city limits, and full of new construction (yuppy houses I could never afford)…while that may be a little out of my league, I’d rather live there than in a ghetto, lol…We aren’t gaining any more bedrooms or anything, but there is a little more storage in the form of more and bigger closets and a kitchen pantry. It feels a lot more like home than our dinky little apartment! We also ran out to school so the girls could see my room and their rooms. I think it really helped them to see that the place we’re going is “real.” I took as much stuff as I could yesterday, which wasn’t much, but we put away stuff in the kitchen. I’m going up again this weekend (I have an inservice on Monday), so I think I’ll load my car up again and take more with me. I know it’s only 11 days, and I know it’s going to fly, but I wish it would fly faster!! I’m excited to get there and get started on whatever this new life holds for me. I’m getting ready to go to the Landmark with Dawn and Cherylen and a bunch of our coworkers; it should be a great time to say goodbye…I’m pretty sure I’ll never come back here, and, sadly enough, I think that most of the people who helped me through this year will probably simply fade into memories. Not everyone, mind you…I have to keep tabs on my very best friends, and there are a few others I’ll keep in touch with, but we all know that life usually gets in the way at some point. I just realized there’s no point to this blog, but oh, well….I’m leaving it.
