Thank You

Thanksgiving Eve 2009 finds me lying in bed in my best friend’s basement, a friend who was practically a stranger just two years ago. I’m lying in this bed minus the mate I thought I would have for life, and without my two babies, because I now have to share them with said “life-long mate” on the holidays. As I lie here there is plenty to worry about; no child support, no money for Christmas, bills due, etc., and, if I wanted to, there would even be plenty to cry about, and yet I’m going to try for thankfulness rather than angst and pain.

I have so much to be thankful for. I was blessed with two amazing women at just the moment I most needed them 18 months ago, and now those two, who have become my best friends, all live within 30 minutes of me, clear on the other side of the state where they never planned on living. We can quickly get together for dinner and a movie and some therapy among friends, which we all desperately need. I have a family; not just my girls, but also a family God has given me in the form of friends, both old and new. I have found the most amazing church home, full of Godly, faithful, committed people who have taken me in and, once again, demonstrated Christ’s love for me. I am finally at a place in my life where I can comfortably get involved in my church family. I have a great job teaching a grade I love, with kids I love, and with awesomely amazing coworkers, some of whom are becoming close friends of mine. I have my girls, my amazing daughters, who I am more than blessed with; it is such an honor to think that God has entrusted them to me. And I have escaped…not only the physical place where I felt so trapped, but also the mental and emotional traps I could so easily have fallen into during the bumpy patches. I haven’t totally arrived, but who of us has? I am free of the darkest places I have existed, and that is saying much.

I am thankful for all of this, and I am thankful for you. Chances are, if you are reading this, you have touched my life in some way. You may not think you’ve done anything all that fancy, but I guarantee you have! Sometimes all it takes is a kind word or an “atta girl” to keep me going, and there are those among you who, without knowing, have demonstrated Christ’s love through your caring. Some of you may even have saved my life with your kind words, your hugs, or your pats on the back. Thanks for loving me enough to do that!

My prayer for you, on this coming day of thanks, is that you will find the thankful things in your life, no matter what your circumstances may be. Nothing is impossible with God! Love to all of you!

Answers, Please?

Ugh…have I ever gotten myself into a pickle.  This is proving to be the start to a long day…

It’s interesting to see how people react to bad situations, and sometimes even more interesting to see how people think you should react.  During the year of our divorce I experienced every emotion on the book, but I always tried to remind myself that they were just emotions, something that shouldn’t always be trusted or acted upon.  Did I always succeed?  Definitely not.  I am human.  I tried, though.  I tried to not let too much hate spew out of my mouth, and I did everything I could to nurture the girls’ relationship with their dad.  Some people said I was crazy; why would I want them exposed to the lifestyle he was choosing?  I didn’t have an answer to that, because I certainly didn’t want them, especially as young women, to be witnesses to improper relationships.  On the other hand, I understood that he would always be their dad, and that I couldn’t ask them to hate him for his actions.  Children love unconditionally, perfectly and blindly, a lot like I would imagine God loves me.  Some thought I should do everything in my power to destroy his life; I would always reply to those people by letting them know that if I chose to hate him then I would have to think about him every second, and then I would never get to get on with my life.  One of my favorite quotes (no idea where it came from ) is “being angry is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  Ditto.  I’ve experienced that.

So…Friday I got an email from him letting me know that he would be in Wichita this weekend and that he wanted to take all of us out for supper tonight.  AWKWARD.  I know he was being nice by inviting me, but I don’t really see why we need to torture ourselves when there’s an alternative.  The thing is, we can be friendly without being friends, and  that’s what I’m comfortable with.  I have to forgive him continually for the decisions he made, as my emotions run around on their cycle of shock, although that has started to slow down and even out in the last several months.  I decided I would just tell him I was going to let him take the girls out to spend some time.

Yesterday he texted me asking if he could go to church with us and then take us out to lunch instead.  GULP.  That’s a whole different story.  Going to church together seems so…normal…so much like a life I used to know.  He even offered to pick us up so we could all go together.  So here I am…thinking about how I wasn’t so sure that I could do that; the girls go to Sunday school before the sermon, and then there we would be, sitting next to each other.  Luckily I have other responsibilities during church, so that doesn’t actually have to happen…some would say that I should have just told him I wasn’t comfortable, but I truly believe that it is my responsibility to nurture his relationship with our daughters as much as I can.  And besides…it’s church.  I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t say all could come to him except for my ex-husband.  So I’m sucking it up…we don’t have to go together because I have to be there early, and I don’t have to sit by him because I have other obligations.  As for lunch afterwards, I still have no idea how that’s going to work…I may just have to tell him that I’m not comfortable going along, and that I worry about the message we’re sending our children if they see us suddenly spending time together.  He thinks I keep my distance because I’ve turned into a stuck-up snob, but the truth is I’ve had my heart trampled more than enough, and I’ll do anything to avoid that.  He’s pretty consistently done the trampling, and I still can’t bring myself to trust him even on a purely friendly ground.

Is this how most people would react to this situation?  Probably not.  I can name several who would tell me to be just plain mean about it, that I don’t owe him anything.  This is absolutely right, but I do owe my girls something, and I have to act out of love, not anger, even towards people I don’t particularly love at all.  So…pray for me today.  I’m going to need it…

There’s No Lonely When You’re Really Home

Life is a lonely sort of thing.  It doesn’t matter who you are, it doesn’t matter how many people surround you; we, as human beings, all encounter soul-crushing loneliness at one point or another.  Loneliness can be a good thing; it can remind you Who you are supposed to depend on to fill that void.  It can also be dangerous…a feeling that can lead you down a road of self-destructive behavior.

There are two times I feel the loneliness the most; one is when the girls are gone for the weekend and I’m all alone.  I never know quite what to do with myself on those weekends, and as a result I tend to avoid being alone by making plans to go out of town and visit friends.  I’m getting better, though.  I do like having some alone time, I’m just afraid of getting too lonely and allowing that feeling to take control of my decisions.  Single people make some crazy-bad decisions out of loneliness, and I would rather not go down that path.  Do I hope that God blesses me with a partner someday?  With all my heart and soul.  Do I think that I’m going to find that person out of loneliness and desperation?  Definitely not.  I will take my time and be patient, and I’m sure that person, if I’m so blessed to get another chance, will show up at just the right time.

The other loneliness comes when I’m trying to juggle my mommy role with other “grown-up” responsibilities, such as work.  I never know quite how to make that bridge work; too often I end up feeling like people around me are judging me because I take my kids everywhere.  I know that a lot of this is in my head; the majority of people (probably) understand that I’m a one-parent show, and my options are limited.  Would it be ideal for me to hire a babysitter for every event that requires my time (staff meetings, school functions, church stuff, etc.)?  Sometimes.  But ultimately, I can’t afford to pay someone all the time to watch my kids, and it’s not fair to them to have to be pawned off on other people because I’m “too busy.”  My parents were always too busy for me; they gave me a key to the house when I was in first grade and told me to ride the bus home and let myself in.  I don’t want my girls to ever feel like they were in the way, or like my life is more important than them.  Being a single has really taught me to prioritize my life; granted, I’m still horrible at it in many aspects, but I try to do better every day!  The girls go to an after school program once or twice a week, if necessary, but for the most part they  just hang out and play in my room or with another teacher’s daughter.  They don’t get nearly enough time to just be kids; they’ve had to grow up a lot.

It dawned on me tonight that I’m not nearly as alone as I sometimes think I am, and it also occurred to me that this is really becoming home to me.  My class was part of the school musical, and I had to supervise my students during the show tonight.  I reserved two seats in the front row for the girls, and, after admonishing them to BEHAVE took them to their seats just before the show started.  As I walked them out, I looked around and realized that there were lots of people I know who would (hopefully, maybe) be willing to let the girls sit with them.  The principal offered, there was someone from my church’s single parent group, several parents of my students, Belle’s teacher…all of those people who would be more than happy to help if they only knew that I had a need.  I ended up taking the girls to their seats, and it turned out that the parents of one of my students were sitting right beside them.  The dad started talking to my girls immediately, and Madeline warmed right up to him.  Belle’s always a little slower to warm up, but once she does she’s sold.  It was great to know they were surrounded by people willing to support them, and it was great to see them interacting with a strong male role model.  They don’t get nearly enough of that, but when they do get to be around good men it’s good to see them reacting and to know that they are seeing the way men are supposed to treat women.  It’s one of the roles I can’t fulfill no matter what, and it’s good to know there are other people willing to help out.

So, sometimes I feel lonely.  Sometimes I have a right to feel that way, and sometimes the emotion is false, a trap meant to lead me down the dark road.  All I have to do is look around and see all of the amazing people I have been blessed with in less than six months time; people from school and church, old friends and new friends; sometimes it feels like I add to that list almost daily!  God has truly blessed me and my girls, and pressing through that feeling of loneliness just brings that truth home.

Tired of the Ferris Wheel? Hop on the Roller Coaster!

Okay…so I’m doing pretty well with the whole “grief cycle” thing.  In fact, I would say that, for the most part, I’ve managed to actually get off of that particular ferris wheel that trapped me for so long as I have moved into this new stage of  my life.  Now I’m on a different ride…the drama coaster…

The DRAMA.  I hate drama.  I just want to live a simple life, minding my business, having fun with life, and serving God.  The problem with that?  My life is connected to the lives of two little people, and that connection leaves me inevitably tied to their father.  I hate hearing about him, I hate that they adore him even when he is making horrible idiotic choices or when he’s being mean, and I hate that he can be so nice to me and then turn around and be so darn mean and dirty.

Right now we’re in a nice phase, and I am always hesitant to rock the boat at all when he’s treating me decently.  It’s not because I care what he thinks; it’s because I don’t want any more misery, I want us to get along, and I want our girls to see us have a “healthy” relationship.  The problem right now is that he isn’t fulfilling his obligations to our kids, and that is making life incredibly tough and panicky for me.

In an ideal world, I wouldn’t have to depend on his child support for our bills, but unfortunately this isn’t an ideal world.  We, unfortunately, do need that money; we depend on it to help us meet our basic needs, and not having it is a very, very bad thing.  I am within my rights to ask for wage garnishment, and yet I am hesitant.

Why do I care so much about being nice or about what other people think of me?  I do not want people to think I’m one of those nasty ex-wives who is constantly nagging about money and who plays dirty.  Even now his family is incredibly important to me, and it hurts me incredibly whenever I hear that a member of that family thinks poorly of me.  Those people were so important to me!   I miss them all dearly, mainly because I was so readily accepted and loved by them in a way that I never felt I was in my own family.

I know that I need to remember that I have to do what is best for my children, regardless of what others think of me, and that I am not asking for this due to my own interests.  I just struggle with it.  I had no idea I was so incredibly passive.  I don’t think I’ve always been that way…I just think that I tend to try to avoid any sort of struggle after all of the ups and downs of last year. I do, however, know what I need to do, and now I just need to do it.  A quick phone call to my attorney will get the ball rolling, and once a new order is in place I will be able to do without this particular drama.

Somebody please tell me that my life is going to even out, that it’ll stop being fast “ups” followed by bumpy “downs,” and that it can just turn into a nice smooth ride!  Is that ever going to happen?

It Has To Hurt Before It Can Heal…

Wow.  Is life moving at a hundred miles an hour, or what?  I feel as if I hardly have time to stop and look around these days, let alone time to stop and think about how things are going.  This is always a dangerous way to live for me; if I’m not constantly staying aware of how I’m feeling and what is going on around me I tend to wake up one day and discover that I am depressed and overwhelmed.  On Friday I had recess duty, which isn’t normally  my favorite activity ever, but it was great that day because it was the first day all week that it wasn’t raining (can you believe there are places in this world where it could rain this much??  I’ll never get used to it…).  As I stood outside in the somewhat chilly air I had the opportunity to take a breath and really look around and appreciate the beautiful autumn God has given us.  I haven’t even taken the time to do that lately.

The thing is, I really don’t want to live my life at a frantic pace, slowing down every once in awhile to look around and notice how quickly things are changing.  I want the opportunity to really live for today, to enjoy my children’s little moments and the opportunities God is offering.  This is, after all, my life, and if I wait for the rest of the world to slow down I will miss it. If I’m not focused on the current situation, on my girls, my relationship with God, the amazing people He continues to put into my life, then I’ll miss it.  I know why I tend to allow life to sweep me up and overwhelm me: if I keep moving I don’t have to stop and feel, really feel, the pain I am struggling with, and I don’t want to feel that pain!

At some point, and I’m not sure when, my pain changed, which is a pleasant surprise in some ways, and not so much in other ways.  It’s not so much about the ending of my marriage now, but about the rejection that occurred as a result of that ending that I’m dealing with.  Sometimes I think that I don’t try to work myself out of this difficult place for the simple reason that everything about my life right now, from my busyness, to the drama related to my old life, to the way I tend to avoid taking care of myself screams “stay away from me.”  If I can let myself be unattractive (and I don’t mean this just in the physical sense) then I won’t have to worry about getting attached to someone and then having them reject me.

The problem?  My personality.  I used to think I was introverted, but that was…really, really wrong.  I’m a total extrovert.  Someone once told me that the difference between the two is that introverts get their energy from time alone, while extroverts draw their energy from their interactions with others.  That’s me!  It is not in the nature God gave me to push people away from me.  It seems to me that I’m standing at a crossroads, and I have a major decision to make.  I can put my nose to the grindstone and open myself up to that rejection I fear so completely, or I can continue on my current path, avoiding it and just staying busy enough not to think about it.  I already know where God is…He’s waiting to work through this with me.

I got up EARLY this morning (5:00 AM!!) to get a few things done before the day started, and while I was working I was listening to a Chip Ingram’s Living on The Edge podcast.  Living on the Edge, if you don’t know, is a Christian radio broadcast, that usually goes in series to address certain aspects of life.  I have avoided (like the plague) catching up on these podcasts for well over a month, not because I don’t like the but because last month they started a new series that both excites me and makes me want to stick my head in the stand like an ostrich.  It’s called “Overcoming the Pain In Your Past,” and in it Ingram really challenges you to take a good look at how you are living in relation to events that have shaped your life.  I’ve been avoiding it because I know it was put in my life for a reason, and I haven’t been sure I was ready for it.  I have to believe, though, that God doesn’t want me avoiding this.  He wants me to use the tools He gives me to work on it.  In the fourth episode of the series, Ingram compares the pain we have to go through to work through the past to the pain a child has to experience when a parent helps him clean a scrape he recieved while riding his bike.  The child would rather just let the scrape be as opposed to allowing his parent to clean it and bandage it, because as it is cleaned it is going to hurt.  The parent, however, knows that all of the dirt and debris has to be removed from the wound in order for it to heal properly and not get infected.  That’s what God wants from me, from all of us; He wants us to stop dancing away from Him, afraid of the pain we may have to face in the healing, and to let Him get started doing His work in us.

So…this is a crazy week, but I know what has to be done, and I know that it really has nothing to do with me.  I’ve tried working through this on my own, and so far…that’s not working out so well.  God needs me to get out of the way, to stop moving away from Him as He tries to clean up my hurts, to stop blocking him at every pass.  I truly need to give this to Him, and to let him keep it; it does no good when I snatch it back and huddle over it, refusing to give it up.  I have to stop running and take the time to listen to Him, to allow His Word to heal me and to really stop and look around and being appreciating this life He has given me.  God is good!

The Goings On (or the Trifecta of Blogs)

Okay, so I am fully aware that three blogs in one evening is a little excessive, but…I have things to say!  If you’re still reading then that’s your choice, right? I just want to take a few to catch those of you who need to know up on life in general…

Last week I left with a pretty “downer” blog about rejection, knowing that even as I wrote it that I shouldn’t be listening to my emotions but my logic.  My girls and I had a great talk after that, and really got to the bottom of the whole “we want to live with daddy” thing.  There is the fact that his house is “fun,” but there’s also the fact that they miss him.  I think just having that acknowledged was big for them, and I know that it wasn’t anything personal against me…I just had to get into grown-up mode to remember that.

Great things have been happening on the finances front, too…it’s still tight, and it’s always going to be a challenge to live on a single mom’s salary, but I have a budget worked out and I’m working hard to follow it.  I’m learning to be thankful for the little things (i.e. our neighbors moved and offered us all of their firewood, which will help cut down the heating bill), and I’m learning to make substitutions when it comes to how we spend our  money. The girls were taking ballet, which was horribly expensive, but I let them because I want them to have the opportunities that other children have.  This week they found out about the joys of 4H, and while I normally wouldn’t allow them to quit something once they started, I made an exception and let them switch from ballet.  4H, after all, is free, which gives our finances a small amount of give… I’m also reading  a great book about single parents and managing money, which one of the pastor’s at Crossroads lent me.  It’s good to know that 1) I’m not the only person who goes through this and 2) I am exceptionally blessed to be a single mother with a college degree and a career.

One final thing…we’re awaiting tests from the doctor’s office on Belle’s edocrine system.  We went on Friday after noticing a few changes in her growth, and the doctor shares my concern.  Please keep her in your prayers as we wait for news!!  We’re all working on getting  a little healthier now that we’re attempting to come out of the survival mode we’ve been in for the last year, which is a bit of a challenge, but hopefully we can get there without any major bumps.

Okay…so that’s my life in a a little nutshell right now…if any of my English teachers have died yet I’m sure they’re rolling over in their graves at this random little essay, but it’ll have to do for now!

Pastors Rock!

When I began taking classes to fulfill my major in education, I was blown away.  From the outside, teaching seems like this really fun, really easy job.  In real life, however, it’s so incredibly multifaceted the average person cannot fully understand it.  It may look all smooth on the surface, but underneath teachers are paddling like crazy… being a pastor is, apparently, a lot like being a teacher.

One of my best friends is a pastor’s wife (they deserve their own appreciation month…trust me!), so it’s not like I’m not aware of the demands of the job, but I think that, perhaps, I have been unaware of just how huge it really can be.  I recently had the opportunity to see my pastor’s sermon notes, and it struck me that it probably takes A LOT of preparation to write a weekly sermon.  I’m not so sure I could do it!  Not only do you have to choose a topic (with God’s leading, of course), but you also have to expand upon that, find scriptural support, and tie it to daily life (while throwing in a little humor, but not too much humor).  And you have to write it in a manner that will give people something to honestly reflect upon while also attempting to make them thankful for the opportunity.  It would, no doubt, be a challenge.

On top of this (what seems insurmountable) mountain, you also have to keep tabs on your congregation, providing leadership, guidance, prayer, and support while managing the day-to-day operations of the church as an organization, answering to elders (or whoever you would answer to…), begging and pleading to get volunteers,  volunteering yourself, AND making time for yourself and your own family, not to mention your own walk with the Lord.  I’m sure I missed about a hundred things…after all, I’m not a pastor!

GULP.  Don’t forget to thank your pastor (and his wife!) this month…and if you don’t have a pastor…maybe you should consider getting one…couldn’t hurt, could it?

Rambling Thoughts On Purpose

This probably only makes sense to me….

What do you suppose I’d have to do to get good enough at this to blog for a living?  Yeah, I don’t think so either, but it’s a nice thought…life has been incredibly busy lately; the kind of busy where everything is important but nothing gets treated important because there’s so much to do.  In the past two weeks I’ve encountered a myriad of things I want to get down here, but it just hasn’t happened.

I think I missed an important skill somewhere along the way; that skill that allows certain people to remain organized and “unmessy” and on top of things seems to be lacking in me.  I find this to be incredibly annoying, because  I want to be that person even though I’m not.  Of course, most of us want to be someone or something we’re not.  A few weeks ago I heard something great (I’m guessing it was at church…but my memory is temporarily out of order) about accepting Christ; once we’ve done that, we don’t need to fret over the fact that we fall short, because it’s a done deal.  Baptism represents the death of the old life and the birth of our new life in Christ, so there’s no reason for me to be so bent out of shape at myself over the fact that I fail again and again and again.  The price has been paid, and I have been bought; Christ has scooped me up with all of my messiness and baggage and accepted me right where I am.  No strings attached.  I imagine I’m probably that child that he just shakes his head at as he smiles and softly chuckles, and one of the ones who causes him pain as I fret over whether or not he really is here, whether or not he really does love me, as I cry out wondering where he is when I know he’s right here beside me.

So…I want to do better.  I want to be neater, and healthier, and more organized, but I don’t think I’m going to get there without accepting myself where I am, which is exactly what He did.  I need to relax and let this happen, work hard but also be kind to myself, and build in the time I need to spend with Him every day so that He can make me what He wants me to be.  My purpose, after all, can only be found in Him. I’m going to work on this…on trying, and moving, and doing a lot less and listening a lot more as He puts me where I’m supposed to be.  He’s always done it before…there’s no reason why I shouldn’t trust Him now, more fully every time.

Rejection…The Recurring Theme?

Okay, so I’m having a moment, and logical me is saying I shouldn’t even post this, but several someones recently told me that they like to read my blog because it’s honest…well, here ya go.  This is, honestly, exactly how I feel right now, and I am fully aware that feelings are illogical and that a lot of this is illogical, but at this moment it’s my reality, and I need to acknowledge it and put it out here where it can’t kill me, which is what it does when I carry it around…

I am drained, and I am sick of the drama.  I find myself wondering if there will ever come a point in my life when I stop looking over my shoulder to see what is going to ambush me next.  I was under the false assumption that moving 200 miles would protect me, but I was wrong.  Very wrong.

Four weeks ago when I met the girls’ dad halfway for visitation he informed me that he was taking me back to court to get child support reduced because he has another child to support now.  He also took it upon himself to insinuate that I waste the child support on frivolous things not related to our daughters, which is pretty ridiculous in seeings as to how $449.00 a month doesn’t exactly cover their expenses.  So there I was, an hour and a half from home in the pouring rain, bawling…why do I let him have that effect on me?

Today I got an email (the girls were with him) informing me that the girls want to live with him.  There’s a shocker…live with mom, boring old mom who goes to work and attempts to keep the house clean and hardly has time to spend just playing, or live with dad, who happens to live with grandpa and grandma on a farm with animals and tractors and four wheelers and who never has to work when they are there, and who can spend one-on-one time with them because there are lots of other people…I’d want to live with dad, too.  The thing is, they don’t understand that that is not everyday life.  Their lives would be drastically different if they lived with him, but how do I tell them that?  He admitted tonight that he knows they can’t come and live with him; he’s not stable enough by any means, but he didn’t tell them that.  He made it sound like if I said it was okay then he would be all for it. So now…I’m the bad guy, the one who had to say no.

Why do I have to keep paying the price for his decisions?  I didn’t ask for this.  Why can’t I just keep living my life without having all of the stupid pain?

I know how irrational this seems to you, reader, but to me it feels as if the whole world were slamming doors in my face.  I was never good enough for my parents, and  I obviously wasn’t good enough for my husband…not pretty enough, not thin enough, not domestic enough, nothing enough, and now I feel like I’m not good enough for my kids, either.  I’m not as pretty as daddy’s girlfriend, I don’t live with my parents, I don’t own a four wheeler and I can’t fix the stupid bike tire that keeps going flat, and I don’t take them fun places or have entire days to devote solely to them (these are the reasons they give for wanting to live with him).  So if all of these people can’t accept me for who I am, what’s the point?  I’m certainly not scrimping and saving and stressing over this hugely important role I’ve been thrust into for myself, but the people I am doing it for, they don’t even want me.  If none of these people, these people who are supposed to want me,  want me, then why would anybody?

I have issues…that’s no big secret…but I want to know how to get past them.  It always blows me away when people say that they know that someday I’ll find that special somebody, because the truth is, I was already there.  I found that somebody, and I gave it , gave him, my all, and I thought we were so, so happy, and it was all a lie.  He didn’t want me.  He didn’t even like me.  He threw me away like the piece of trash that I sometimes feel like I must be.  So if that person who I trusted more than life itself could reject me, how could I ever expect someone else to accept me…I’d always be wondering when they would wake up and catch the next woman out of our relationship. I have a terrible time asking other people for help for just that reason…if you never ask for help, you never have to worry about people letting you down.  I’d rather struggle along on my own than ask and be rejected.

I’m just sick of it.  I feel like I’m working and working, and still not doing a great job of whatever it is I’m trying to accomplish here, and I just want it to end.  Don’t I deserve a break here?  A little respite from the storm, perhaps?  A point when, even if it is briefly, I can just be caught up with life and not feel guilty all the time?  Where is God in this?  Why do I feel like I have to search him out in this, when it feels like He should be sweeping me into a big tight hug that would reassure me that I am His daughter and I am loved?  Will I ever be enough?

Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. ~Psalm 31:9

New Eyes

Phew!  What a weekend this has been.  I feel like I’ve been one big gnarled up ball of emotion for the last few days, and it’s been exhausting.  I have to remind myself that there is only one of me, and I can’t be expected to accomplish every last thing with utter perfection.  Sometimes I’ll have to settle for less-than-perfect, and sometimes I’ll have to just let things go.  My main question is this: how do you choose what to focus on and what to let go when everything is a priority?  The bills have to be paid…lesson plans must be written…car taken care of…children fed…laundry done…house cleaned…it’s all overwhelming to me (note to self:  look up synonyms for “overwhelmed…” it’s being overused in this blog).

It amazes me how much a fresh perspective can help when it does all feel like it’s bearing down on you; my mom and I sat down this weekend and looked at my bills, and she helped me set up a six month budget.  My life has definitely changed, and I’m having to learn how to make those changes when it comes to spending and saving habits.  It’s manageable, just different from what I’m used to.  Having someone removed from the emotion of the situation certainly was helpful; she could see how to make things work that I couldn’t.  This month was a bit of a pickle, and I was quite panicked about that, but my parents are helping me.  It pains me to write that here for all of you to read, but…it’s the truth.   Frustrating, because I am 28 years old, and I shouldn’t need help with finances, but I have to remind myself that I’ve never really been on my own before.  This is my growing-up learning curve ten years too late.  I’m thankful that my mom lent me her eyes, and that she helped me look at my money and set it up in a responsible way so that I won’t have to borrow from them again, and I’m also thankful (I wish I could convey what a big deal this statement is to you) that our relationship is growing.  Wow.  I’m excited to see my budget working in the next few months, and to feel the success that will come with that.

While I was back in Garden I went to church at my old “home” church, the church I was baptized in and the church where I took my first Christian “baby steps” in.  It was so great to be there.  A lot has changed, as things always do, but it was still home.  It amazes me to think that I stood in that sanctuary as a happily married mother of two, having no idea what was to come in my life.  Even then, God knew.  He knew and He had a plan, and He drew me into His fold so closely that I couldn’t get lost even in the darkest of times.  Forgetfulness is such a human condition; it’s hard to believe that I could even get in a panic about anything when I see where I’ve been and how far He has brought me.  God certainly isn’t leaving me anywhere…even when I wander off and get myself all in a dither, He brings me back.