This is not a blog promoting divorce.  God hates divorce.  It says so in the Bible.  At the same time, God sees the map of our lives from the moment we are born, and if we let Him, He will walk beside us, up to the highest mountains and down into the darkest valleys.  I know this because I have witnessed it.  This week the last four years of my life really came full circle in a truly beautiful manner, and one that only He could have orchestrated.

I experienced an immense amount of pain, grief, and self-pity as I walked the road of divorce and single parenthood, but it really happened in phases.  The first year was simply survival; there was a lot of anger and hurt, and as I said before, I didn’t want to do it.  God put people into my life who simply picked me up and carried me through that year.  The second year was better, but still immensely difficult.  I built a new life, a life of my own, and began to find out who I was.  The third year, more of the same; still trying to figure out how to be a single parent, wondering if I was going to make it, and hoping I would.  It has been this year, specifically the last six months, in which I feel that life has blossomed for me.  I’m able to look back and be thankful for what has happened, and to truly “get over it.”  Things that at one point seemed so BIG in my life are now just “things that happened once.”  Things that I always thought were done to me by others are now just “things that happened because we are all human.” I’m standing on top of the mountain and I can finally look back and yell “I made it!”

I can clearly see a demarcation line being drawn over the last few days; a line separating my recovery phase and the life God truly wants me to live.  I am so content and happy with life right now, which shocks me because I don’t have all of the things I always thought I would need to get there.  What I do have is so much more than I deserve; a home, 2 beautiful children, and a vast array of friends and family.  I who have always yearned for a huge family, have finally found my “home” by discovering that God has provided that family in so many people who surround me, who love and care about me.  I can tell that God has good things planned for me; I can feel it deep down inside.

Now, dear reader, maybe you are thinking “well that’s just lovely, but what about me?”  Let me tell you…hang on.  It gets better.  Perhaps you are struggling with the Pain that life too often brings to our doorstep.  I’m not talking about those little inconveniences that life hands us; I’m talking about the kind of events that cause us deep abiding sorrow, the kind that makes you ache to your very core.  I have been there, and I have been there often.  When you’re there, it feels as if life itself is over; you can’t comprehend how life could ever be normal again, how you could ever be truly happy.  I can’t guarantee your life will get back to what you define as normal, but I can tell you that it will be okay.  You are loved, even when you don’t feel it, and He does have amazing things in store for you. This is your life; work through the hard times, praise Him, even if it is through your tears, and you will see the mountaintop again.  At that point you will be able to look down into the valley and know it was worth the climb.  God can make anything, anyone, any situation beautiful; you just have to be willing to give it to Him!

Wikipedia defines contentment as “the enjoyment of whatever may be desired.”  I would disagree with that, because that definition requires us to be discontent until we have achieve our desires.  This simply is not a possibility; as human beings we always want more, and we will never reach the point when there is no more we want.   God’s purpose for us had nothing to do with getting everything we want; it’s being thankful for all that we have.  Think about how much better our lives would be if we could just take each day being thankful for what God has given us, and ignoring all of the things we’ve asked for but not been given.  Life is a fragile thing; there is no guarantee that any of us will be here tomorrow, so why do we keep waiting?   Life is happening now!  We have to learn to be content with what we have.

I wonder how much of my own personal discontent stems from my unwillingness to be content.  Deep down I think I’m scared that if I become content with the life I have, God will leave me here and never give me more.  What I need to understand is that God has a plan for me, and it’s going to happen whether I’m content with it or not.  If I have to choose between being happy with where I’m at and living my life to the fullest or griping about it all the time, I’ll choose the former, thank you very much.

As I struggle with my own discontent, and as I realize the power I have given it over me, I realize that something has to change.  Of course, this is all easier to say than to do; every single day I struggle, asking God “why, why, why?” Instead of just saying “thank you.”  Praising Him for walking me through my life, and thanking Him for all that He has given me (which I truly do believe is so much more than I deserve) leads to a better me.  A happier me.  I’m tired of waiting for the right amount of money, better furniture, nicer looks, and that one person who’s meant for me.  I’m going to seize this life I have NOW, and enjoy it as much as I can.  Worry and want are human nature, but God calls us to something higher.  God calls us to praise Him, to be content in Him, and to know that He will provide us with all of our needs.  He will not forsake us; I know this because at every critical junction in my life He is there waiting to help me through.  That thought in itself is contentment to me.

When you are in the throes of a painful situation it is so difficult to understand why it has to happen, why you have to suffer through it, what purpose it might serve.  I have felt that way a few times today; “why me” is never a good game to start playing!  During my divorce more women than I could name came to me and whispered that they had been through the same thing, gave me a hug, and told me I’d get through.  One of those women became one of the best friends I could ever ask for.  Maybe, just maybe, that’s why we have to go through our pain; so we can pull others through theirs.  Pain is a part of a broken world; it’s not going to go away, but we can help each other when we see it.

All of this thinking made me turn to Christ’s suffering on the cross.  On that dark day He didn’t just suffer physically; He suffered mentally and emotionally, too.  While he was on that cross He experienced all of our sin, and all of the pain and heartache that sin caused.  So…Jesus has already walked through the pain I am experiencing right now.  He has experienced exactly what I am experiencing!  He has been here for me; He knows exactly how I feel, and He is holding me through it all.  When it gets so unbearable I almost can’t stand it, all I need to do is look to the cross and know He is weeping with me, His heart is breaking for me.  He also knows that in a little while it will be okay.  I will go through dark days just as He did, but then I too shall rise up.

In the last two days I have encountered a great deal of shock and pain, but I have truly discovered what it means to rejoice in the face of our trials.  When God removed me from the situation I blogged about on Thursday, he was actually removing me from a far greater danger I hadn’t been aware of.  Like a child playing the street who doesn’t see the truck bearing down on him, my Father reached out and rescued me.  I have never before experienced the assault of evil in such a pointed, strong manner, never felt it to be such a palpable thing.  I have also never been made more aware of the absolute presence of God acting in my life to swiftly counter Satan’s work.  How amazing it is!   I find it to be a truly beautiful thing that my Savior could work so diligently in my life to prepare me for this battle.  The sequence of events that occured this week is nothing less than supernatural.

I find myself wondering where to go from here, and what God has planned for me.  This week has taught me to truly be patient, and to listen for God’s will in my life.  I now realize that acting before He has directed me, or worse yet being disobedient to his direction can only lead to heartache.  He will use my heartache, though, because God does not let our suffering go to waste.  He turns it into something shining if we let him.

I’ve been attending a Bible study on the book of Jonah, and a few weeks ago we discussed the fact that by the time Jonah agreed to do as God willed, he had been through the wringer.  He had been in the belly of a fish, and was dirty, smelly, and out of sorts.  As a result, the people of Ninevah truly listened; Jonah was not a clean, shining profit.  Instead, he was one they could relate to, one who had obviously been challenged.  I hope that God grants me the privilege of serving him in some way through my life experiences; not only the happy, great experiences, but also these experiences that cause heartache and pain, the ones that cause us to draw closer to Him as we struggle with our pain.

And so I press on…rejoicing in this trial and the good things that will come from it.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans for good and not for evil, plans for a hope and a future.  ~Jeremiah 29:11

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. ~Psalm 5:11

I haven’t blogged in over 18 months, but I had to write tonight to express my awe at how God has made himself apparent in my life in the last 4 months.  It has truly been an overwhelmingly amazing year so far; I haven’t done anything terribly special, and there haven’t been any “big events,”  but God has done an amazing work in me.  I have changed so much this year; I feel like I have really “come into my own,”  if you will.  I am finally comfortable with this person I am, happy with my life, my girls, my friends; my cup truly does runneth over!  I have been aware of this feeling for several months now, but in the last 2 weeks God has done something so amazing in my life it makes me want to weep.

I am famously impatient; I have never been good at handing my problems to God and allowing him to work through them for me.  I’m more apt to hand them to God, then take them back, convinced I can figure out what He wants along the way.  A few weeks ago, I was prayerfully asking for His guidance in my life; there was something I desparately wanted, but I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing.  I asked others to pray for me, that I would be able to clearly discern God’s will, and that I could be patient while waiting for Him to let me know when to act.  An opportunity arose, however, before I was able to discern what I was supposed to do.  Rather than waiting for God to clearly answer, I set out on my own.  I even thought I knew the “right” answer; in Bible study we had just discussed the fact that, when at a crossroads in life, the way that looks the easiest is almost always Satan deceiving us.  Satan would never set us upon a path that was clearly difficult, because it would cause us to lean upon God.  Instead he lures us down an easy path before ambushing us into a dark place in which we may find it difficult to cry out to our Father.  I was sure I was choosing the “difficult” path that God would want me to take.  The mistakes just kept adding up from there…

The Enemy is an amazing deceiver; I have faced him many times in my life, but I have never had an encounter like this.  In the past week, Satan laid before me everything I long for deep inside of my heart, and made me believe it could be mine.  Literally every dream I have had for my life in the past several years appeared to be within arm’s reach!  The whole time I was experiencing this temptation I knew something was wrong, but I refused to be obedient to God’s direction.  I kept telling myself that I was confused, that I didn’t know what to do, so I should simply persue my dream, but deep down in the back of my mind I knew I was lying to myself.  I began experiencing a great amount of worry and fear, but I still refused to flee when what I wanted was so close at hand.

Last night I found out the dream was not attainable in any sense of the word; instead of being distraught I immediately felt a great sense of relief and joy.  Oh, don’t get me wrong; there were tears.  My pride was horribly, horribly wounded, and I was embarrassed that  I had chased after something that I knew was wrong.  Just like a child who is disobedient and feels ashamed, I initially wanted to lash out over being told “no.”

I recently read the book “Parenting with Love and Logic;”  one of the tenents of the program is that you should never take a child’s problem away from him unless you know he can’t handle it on his own and he knows that you know he can’t handle it.  Then and only then is it appropriate for you to intervene.  This, my friends, is what my Father did for me. I knew I had gotten myself into a spot that would be difficult to get out of, and I had no idea what to do about it.  I was in so deep I had decided to ignore my misgivings and just “go with it,”  even though I knew the consequences could be life-shattering.  At this point God stepped in and delivered me, before the stakes were so high it would have been difficult to escape.

Tonight as I spoke to a dear sister-friend, I was filled with an immense sense of peace and joy; how amazing it is to think that our GOD would think so much of me that He would intervene in my life to stop me from making a drastic mistake.  Just like a sheep that strayed from the flock, He gently but firmly guided me back onto the marvelous path He has planned for me.  I don’t know what that path has in store, but I truly feel like my life has been truly blessed.   I am only now beginning to understand that He does have a great plan for me, and I can’t wait to continue down the path and discover the details!

My personality tends to be assertive and always in need of the next big thing…it’s hard for me to accept that this is it.  This isn’t the life I signed up for, that’s for sure…but who does get the life they sign up for?  The longer I’m on this earth the more I understand that life is tough no matter who you are.  I can honestly say that life has settled into a comfortable pattern, which is a good thing, but that I am feeling very dissatisfied…I am 29 years old, a single mother of 2 who almost never has a moment without children.  That equals no going out (not that I do that a lot even when they are gone) and no dating, since I don’t believe in involving my children in my dating life.  I’m stuck.  This is it.

I know I need to accept it, but I’m so angry right now…and since there’s no one to take it out on, I’ve pretty much been spending a lot of time arguing with God.  It’s hard for me to accept that this is what I get when I didn’t choose this for myself.  I know, that is immature and selfish…lots of people are in worse situations.  I just can’t get through it.  I’m struggling mightily with my faith, and I still don’t know where I’m going to land.  At this point, I believe because I know what He did for me in the darkest times…but that’s it.  I’m taking it on pure faith…there’s no warm and fuzzy here, just hard and hurt.  Don’t know how to get through it…I feel like I’m just getting out of bed, getting through the day, and starting over.  Pressing on, with no hope or faith that it’ll get better.  So where does that leave me?  I don’t know.  Lost.  And hurt.  And too prideful to turn around and tell my Father that I’m sorry and that it hurts and that I can’t do it alone.

The irony of this situation is not lost on me…the way I feel about God, and the way my children are feeling about me, are very similar.  They are staying at home with me more this year…won’t see their dad for at least another month, and they are struggling, and they are angry.  I cannot even tell you how many times I have been screamed at, cried at, and hated in the last week.  It’s emotionally exhausting to experience!  In addition, Maddie is really struggling at school, and she’s writing her dad’s name everywhere.  I don’t know how to help her.  They both think that life with him is wonderful…I have found numerous drawings and notes in their bedroom that have their dad’s name, his girlfriend’s and son’s name with their names on it and the name “family” on it.  That hurts more than anything.  They don’t consider the 3 of us a family because there is no daddy here with us.  What am I supposed to say to that?  I don’t even know.  I’m just at a loss, not sure where to turn.

I know that marrieds have issues too, but the fact is, at the end of the day, there’s someone there to pull you into their arms and just hold you…that physical reassurance that you aren’t alone.  The idea that if there’s a problem you’ll tackle it together.  I think that, for me, that is the hardest part of all of this.  I have amazing friends, but I always hate to impose myself or my family on them because they have lives and families of their own to tend to without me butting in.  I don’t want to be alone!  WHY do I have to do this alone???  I didn’t do this, and yet i’m the one stuck here trying to untangle the big mess.  it’s been two years.  How much longer??  Is this it, really?  Was that my chance??  I keep thinking that God is going to heal me, but guess what?  It just isn’t happening.

This is just the kind of blog I resist writing and/or posting, because seriously…nobody wants to read a pity party.  On the other hand, this is as real as it gets, and I could use some serious help out of this hole, so I think I’ll post it, for what it’s worth…if anyone has any advice, or just wants to tell me to get over myself, I’ll take it.  I’m at the end of the rope and I’ve tied the knot…

It wasn’t so much that he was volunteering for VBS that demonstrated his Christ-like attitude, although that certainly was a Christ-like gesture…it was actually…tickling that did it.  This man was my 8-year-old’s crew leader, a man whom she had probably never really known before last week.  One evening he came in, and she was the only child in her row (we were there early since I was helping).  She, doing who knows what, was laying down across the chairs staring up at the ceiling, and failed to notice that someone was sneaking up on her until her feet were being tickled.  It was a simple gesture; it happened in a moment, just like that.  And yet it means more than I can express.

As a single mom, one of my biggest concerns for my daughters is that they are missing out on a truly meaningful relationship with a male role model.  Their dad is involved in their lives, but not in the way that a dad could be involved if he lived in the same home or even in the same town.  Men are so important in the lives of children, and I think specifically in the lives of girls.  This was drilled home the day my youngest daughter told me that she needed to wear her prettiest dress to school, because they were having a male substitute teacher; my girls yearn for that love and attention so desperately it is almost painful!  Christian men demonstrate Christ’s love for all of us through their actions and attitudes, and if any young woman is lacking that love she will seek it out in unhealthy ways as she grows up.  My biggest wish for my daughters is that they will have the opportunity to witness and participate in relationships with strong male role models fulfilling their duties as husbands, fathers, and servants of God, and yet this is also one area of their lives that I cannot take care of by myself.

The tickling incident was the highlight of the evening…it was talked about several times after VBS that day, and was brought up for days and days in the future.  Both of my girls tend to be shy, and have a hard time forcing themselves to speak to strangers.  And yet…at church on Sunday, when her crew leader saw her and went out of his way to give her five, she just lit up.  This man isn’t the only male in our church who has gone out of his way to tell them hello or to be playful with them; there are actually several awesome men who have taken a few moments out of their day to give a little attention (which the girls love, even if they don’t say anything in the moment) to two little girls who desperately yearn for it.  A simple gesture that that person probably  immediately forgets is sometimes talked about for the rest of the day at our house!

Whenever I see somebody going out of their way like this, I am reassured that it’s going to be okay, and that I am not alone on this journey.  If I close my eyes and imagine Jesus walking into church on a Sunday morning, I don’t see Him rushing to His seat and only speaking to the disciples seated around Him, or only paying attention to people who come over to say “hey;”  I see him walking around, making eye contact and really seeing people.  I see Him clapping a friend on the back, peering deeply into the eyes of a hurting soul with a look that says I understand, and sneaking up on a pew to tickle a little girl who thirsts for the attention of her Father.

I know that my lack of writing has greatly diminished my readership in recent months, but for the few of you who have stuck around, I hope that you find a strong Christian man today and tell him that he matters.  Let him know how important he can be, and that his actions (even those that may seem trivial) matter.  If you happen to be one of the men who is making a difference in the lives of my daughters, I cannot possibly thank you enough for letting Christ’s light shine through your actions.  Dads, in whatever form they may take, do make a difference!

I never intended for this blog to be my own personal pity-party, and yet I feel like I don’t know what to say today that won’t come out as a pity party, so I’m going to let something else speak for me.  I just typed “I feel lost” in my Google search bar, and one of the first links I came to (http://www.cornerstonebibch.org/Pages/lost.html) had a great thought on the subject…to paraphrase, it basically says that the lost, unfulfilled feelings every human being experiences are placed there by God.  And the only One who can fill that emptiness is Him. I have been going through the motions with God…I go to church every Sunday, I volunteer to help occassionally, I run the computer every Sunday, but…it’s just not enough, and I think that God is convicting me, guiding me to see the truth; that actions are nothing if I am not loving him with everything I have.  It’s time for me to wake up and come out of all of this denial, to look inward and start making some decisions about where I am and where I’m going, and to start seeking my comfort and solace in Him.  It’s so easy to fall into the trap of wishing I had a significant other to take comfort in, but I know that’s not the answer.  The only thing that can fill my empty spots is God.

So…with that…if anyone still happens to be reading this, please pray for me, that I will be able to take the steps toward more self-awareness, less self-pity, and a fuller relationship with God!  It’ll be easy for you to tell if that’s happening…I won’t be so doubtful about blogging if I’m being honest with myself about where I stand in that relationship!

I’ve been through three distinct phases in the last two years; first there was the living in the past, trying to figure out what the heck happened, what I could have done to stop it, and how I couldn’t have seen it coming. After that there was the “just get through today” stage, which I made it through because of God’s own grace and the amazing friends and family He gave to me.  Next came the longest phase…the “forward” phase, which started as I sought out a job in a new place, moved and established a home, friendships, and a more stable, less drama-filled life for all of us.  The forward phase has been a good one, and very essential in the healing process.  It allowed me to stop looking back at the closed doors and to really start dreaming about the future, a future that was suddenly wide open for me.  I am, very naturally, a dreamer, and so this has been a good phase for me.

The problem?  At some point I need to stop looking toward the future and start looking at TODAY.  I don’t want to spend all of my time wondering how things are going to turn out and what’s going to happen in my life, only to miss the good things here right now.  I have amazing friends, amazing children, and other really special things happening right now, and I don’t want to miss any of it.  I also don’t want to be paralyzed by fear.  Lately I’m realizing that there are certain parts of life that I am wary about, or that make me worry extra-even though they aren’t things to worry about, but rather to take in and enjoy for today, without worrying about the future.  I cannot live in fear of getting hurt or things not working out; the reality is that, sometimes in life, those things happen, and it’s hard, but we always come out on the other side.  And…sometimes, taking the risk to move forward and to live for today ends up better than we ever could have imagined it.

Sometimes, “pressing on” means pressing on in today, not pressing on toward tomorrow.  I’m ready to start living for today, to enjoying life in the moment.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

I actually started out my break with a new adventure; there are so many things I missed out on by getting married early!  I went on my first solo road trip, leaving Hutch on Friday and going to see an old friend in Pittsburgh before going to see another friend in Fort Scott.  It was a blast spending time with great friends and seeing new things; I even got to go over into Missourri and do a little shopping.  There’s something very liberating about being out in the world, going wherever you want whenever you want (not that I actually do that a lot, but…you know).  I came back today after a wonderfully relaxing weekend.

One of the books I read about divorce stated that you would know you were healing by the way you reacted to crisis, etc., and I can tell that that is true.  I might get annoyed or frustrated about happenings with the girls and their lives away from me, but for the most part it doesn’t cause a major disruption in my life.  There was news a few weeks ago that hit me wrong and left me incredibly emotional, but I could even recover from that relatively quickly.   It’s good to know that the divorce and all that I went through isn’t going to continue to weigh me down, and that I am getting on with my life.  It doesn’t mean there aren’t hard times, but it’s certainly working out.

One of the friends I went to see this weekend went to college with me and was a huge support in the past two years.  She and I had a great conversation about how much I have changed in two years; it’s great to know that other people see it, too.  I am much more dependant on God, although I fall off that wagon often, and I am just generally a happier person.  I have always been an “old” soul, but I didn’t have a lot of real world experiences.  I’ve had to grow up a lot, and that has made me much stronger.

I have about a billion thoughts tumbling around in my head, as is obvious from this silly-rambly blog…maybe this week I’ll actually get some of them out of there and down here!