Answers, Please?

Ugh…have I ever gotten myself into a pickle.  This is proving to be the start to a long day…

It’s interesting to see how people react to bad situations, and sometimes even more interesting to see how people think you should react.  During the year of our divorce I experienced every emotion on the book, but I always tried to remind myself that they were just emotions, something that shouldn’t always be trusted or acted upon.  Did I always succeed?  Definitely not.  I am human.  I tried, though.  I tried to not let too much hate spew out of my mouth, and I did everything I could to nurture the girls’ relationship with their dad.  Some people said I was crazy; why would I want them exposed to the lifestyle he was choosing?  I didn’t have an answer to that, because I certainly didn’t want them, especially as young women, to be witnesses to improper relationships.  On the other hand, I understood that he would always be their dad, and that I couldn’t ask them to hate him for his actions.  Children love unconditionally, perfectly and blindly, a lot like I would imagine God loves me.  Some thought I should do everything in my power to destroy his life; I would always reply to those people by letting them know that if I chose to hate him then I would have to think about him every second, and then I would never get to get on with my life.  One of my favorite quotes (no idea where it came from ) is “being angry is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  Ditto.  I’ve experienced that.

So…Friday I got an email from him letting me know that he would be in Wichita this weekend and that he wanted to take all of us out for supper tonight.  AWKWARD.  I know he was being nice by inviting me, but I don’t really see why we need to torture ourselves when there’s an alternative.  The thing is, we can be friendly without being friends, and  that’s what I’m comfortable with.  I have to forgive him continually for the decisions he made, as my emotions run around on their cycle of shock, although that has started to slow down and even out in the last several months.  I decided I would just tell him I was going to let him take the girls out to spend some time.

Yesterday he texted me asking if he could go to church with us and then take us out to lunch instead.  GULP.  That’s a whole different story.  Going to church together seems so…normal…so much like a life I used to know.  He even offered to pick us up so we could all go together.  So here I am…thinking about how I wasn’t so sure that I could do that; the girls go to Sunday school before the sermon, and then there we would be, sitting next to each other.  Luckily I have other responsibilities during church, so that doesn’t actually have to happen…some would say that I should have just told him I wasn’t comfortable, but I truly believe that it is my responsibility to nurture his relationship with our daughters as much as I can.  And besides…it’s church.  I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t say all could come to him except for my ex-husband.  So I’m sucking it up…we don’t have to go together because I have to be there early, and I don’t have to sit by him because I have other obligations.  As for lunch afterwards, I still have no idea how that’s going to work…I may just have to tell him that I’m not comfortable going along, and that I worry about the message we’re sending our children if they see us suddenly spending time together.  He thinks I keep my distance because I’ve turned into a stuck-up snob, but the truth is I’ve had my heart trampled more than enough, and I’ll do anything to avoid that.  He’s pretty consistently done the trampling, and I still can’t bring myself to trust him even on a purely friendly ground.

Is this how most people would react to this situation?  Probably not.  I can name several who would tell me to be just plain mean about it, that I don’t owe him anything.  This is absolutely right, but I do owe my girls something, and I have to act out of love, not anger, even towards people I don’t particularly love at all.  So…pray for me today.  I’m going to need it…

~ by Jenn on November 23, 2008.