There’s No Lonely When You’re Really Home
Life is a lonely sort of thing. It doesn’t matter who you are, it doesn’t matter how many people surround you; we, as human beings, all encounter soul-crushing loneliness at one point or another. Loneliness can be a good thing; it can remind you Who you are supposed to depend on to fill that void. It can also be dangerous…a feeling that can lead you down a road of self-destructive behavior.
There are two times I feel the loneliness the most; one is when the girls are gone for the weekend and I’m all alone. I never know quite what to do with myself on those weekends, and as a result I tend to avoid being alone by making plans to go out of town and visit friends. I’m getting better, though. I do like having some alone time, I’m just afraid of getting too lonely and allowing that feeling to take control of my decisions. Single people make some crazy-bad decisions out of loneliness, and I would rather not go down that path. Do I hope that God blesses me with a partner someday? With all my heart and soul. Do I think that I’m going to find that person out of loneliness and desperation? Definitely not. I will take my time and be patient, and I’m sure that person, if I’m so blessed to get another chance, will show up at just the right time.
The other loneliness comes when I’m trying to juggle my mommy role with other “grown-up” responsibilities, such as work. I never know quite how to make that bridge work; too often I end up feeling like people around me are judging me because I take my kids everywhere. I know that a lot of this is in my head; the majority of people (probably) understand that I’m a one-parent show, and my options are limited. Would it be ideal for me to hire a babysitter for every event that requires my time (staff meetings, school functions, church stuff, etc.)? Sometimes. But ultimately, I can’t afford to pay someone all the time to watch my kids, and it’s not fair to them to have to be pawned off on other people because I’m “too busy.” My parents were always too busy for me; they gave me a key to the house when I was in first grade and told me to ride the bus home and let myself in. I don’t want my girls to ever feel like they were in the way, or like my life is more important than them. Being a single has really taught me to prioritize my life; granted, I’m still horrible at it in many aspects, but I try to do better every day! The girls go to an after school program once or twice a week, if necessary, but for the most part they just hang out and play in my room or with another teacher’s daughter. They don’t get nearly enough time to just be kids; they’ve had to grow up a lot.
It dawned on me tonight that I’m not nearly as alone as I sometimes think I am, and it also occurred to me that this is really becoming home to me. My class was part of the school musical, and I had to supervise my students during the show tonight. I reserved two seats in the front row for the girls, and, after admonishing them to BEHAVE took them to their seats just before the show started. As I walked them out, I looked around and realized that there were lots of people I know who would (hopefully, maybe) be willing to let the girls sit with them. The principal offered, there was someone from my church’s single parent group, several parents of my students, Belle’s teacher…all of those people who would be more than happy to help if they only knew that I had a need. I ended up taking the girls to their seats, and it turned out that the parents of one of my students were sitting right beside them. The dad started talking to my girls immediately, and Madeline warmed right up to him. Belle’s always a little slower to warm up, but once she does she’s sold. It was great to know they were surrounded by people willing to support them, and it was great to see them interacting with a strong male role model. They don’t get nearly enough of that, but when they do get to be around good men it’s good to see them reacting and to know that they are seeing the way men are supposed to treat women. It’s one of the roles I can’t fulfill no matter what, and it’s good to know there are other people willing to help out.
So, sometimes I feel lonely. Sometimes I have a right to feel that way, and sometimes the emotion is false, a trap meant to lead me down the dark road. All I have to do is look around and see all of the amazing people I have been blessed with in less than six months time; people from school and church, old friends and new friends; sometimes it feels like I add to that list almost daily! God has truly blessed me and my girls, and pressing through that feeling of loneliness just brings that truth home.
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