Tired of the Ferris Wheel? Hop on the Roller Coaster!
Okay…so I’m doing pretty well with the whole “grief cycle” thing. In fact, I would say that, for the most part, I’ve managed to actually get off of that particular ferris wheel that trapped me for so long as I have moved into this new stage of my life. Now I’m on a different ride…the drama coaster…
The DRAMA. I hate drama. I just want to live a simple life, minding my business, having fun with life, and serving God. The problem with that? My life is connected to the lives of two little people, and that connection leaves me inevitably tied to their father. I hate hearing about him, I hate that they adore him even when he is making horrible idiotic choices or when he’s being mean, and I hate that he can be so nice to me and then turn around and be so darn mean and dirty.
Right now we’re in a nice phase, and I am always hesitant to rock the boat at all when he’s treating me decently. It’s not because I care what he thinks; it’s because I don’t want any more misery, I want us to get along, and I want our girls to see us have a “healthy” relationship. The problem right now is that he isn’t fulfilling his obligations to our kids, and that is making life incredibly tough and panicky for me.
In an ideal world, I wouldn’t have to depend on his child support for our bills, but unfortunately this isn’t an ideal world. We, unfortunately, do need that money; we depend on it to help us meet our basic needs, and not having it is a very, very bad thing. I am within my rights to ask for wage garnishment, and yet I am hesitant.
Why do I care so much about being nice or about what other people think of me? I do not want people to think I’m one of those nasty ex-wives who is constantly nagging about money and who plays dirty. Even now his family is incredibly important to me, and it hurts me incredibly whenever I hear that a member of that family thinks poorly of me. Those people were so important to me! I miss them all dearly, mainly because I was so readily accepted and loved by them in a way that I never felt I was in my own family.
I know that I need to remember that I have to do what is best for my children, regardless of what others think of me, and that I am not asking for this due to my own interests. I just struggle with it. I had no idea I was so incredibly passive. I don’t think I’ve always been that way…I just think that I tend to try to avoid any sort of struggle after all of the ups and downs of last year. I do, however, know what I need to do, and now I just need to do it. A quick phone call to my attorney will get the ball rolling, and once a new order is in place I will be able to do without this particular drama.
Somebody please tell me that my life is going to even out, that it’ll stop being fast “ups” followed by bumpy “downs,” and that it can just turn into a nice smooth ride! Is that ever going to happen?
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