I Press On
There are times in life when a person sees things with amazing clarity; this is not one of those times in my life. I knew when I chose to move that moving itself wouldn’t change the emotions I have been dealing with or the overall reality of what my life has become, but I had hoped to achieve a certain amount of peace and contentment with this new life. Instead, I find myself struggling just as much as I always have. I am in a rut, plain and simple, and if there’s one thing I know about being in a rut it’s that spinning my wheels in the exact same way I always have isn’t going to magically get me out. I need to commit myself to something new in order to successfully navigate this road. So where do I go to find this?
The answer is simple and clear, and yet I feel like my choices and feelings over the past months have obscured my path in a way that makes it seem impossible. Is it too late for me to take myself back to the safety and security that can only be found under the covering of the One who has graced me with eternal life? I am ashamed to say that I fear that it is so. I feel like, for the first time in my life, I really know what it means to stand before Him and be embarrassed to be seen. I allowed myself to fall into the role of a victim, and while I was there I justified my actions, and often looked straight at the truth and chose not to follow that saving light. I have become a child of the world, but have continued to wear the mask of an upstanding Christian. I feel as if I went too far when I, on occassion, conciously chose to go against His word. I am a baptized believer…how could I have chosen to look away? Is it too late? I wish I knew where to go for that answer.
When I became a Christian, the one thing that truly amazed me was the Bible. I was raised Catholic, so I had been exposed to the Bible, but I never would have considered picking it up and reading it. All of a sudden I was being exposed to this book, which I had always thought to be boring and outdated, in a new way. I came to see it as one of the great gifts our God gave us; a book with all of the answers, an instruction manual for life. Perhaps the first place I should turn in this current situation, then, is to the good and solid Word of God. Luke 15: 11-31 contains the story of the prodigal son; the story of a son who turned from his father to walk alone before realizing the error of his ways, and who is joyfully accepted back into his father’s arms. I wonder, however, if this analogy is meant for brand new Christians running into their father’s arms, or for people like me…Christians who have run away and now wish to come home again? I decided to take a different tack at answering this question; the answer is obviously in the Bible, but my knowledge of where to find answers is often lacking, as is a spiritual leader in my life at this particular time. So…I turned to that other great mecca of information, Google. Now, we all know that you must take all that you read on the internet with a grain of salt, but at the same time it can be a great place to turn in times of need. I found, in my search, what appears to be a most excellent blog on wordpress (http://pastorbrouwer.wordpress.com/2006/10/27/will-god-forgive-my-sin/), and in that blog I found this quote: “Therefore do not look at the greatness of your sins, but to the infiniteness of His mercy…” Who am I to doubt God’s ability to forgive me? He is the Maker of all, the Great “I AM.” I must take his forgiveness on faith, choosing to follow His Word on a daily basis.
Several months ago I came across a verse, which I had heard before, but which had new meaning for me. It’s become what you would probably call a life verse for me, a guide for when times are tough. Phillipians 3:13-14 says “…Forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” This is what I must choose daily, as I continue to live a life pleasing to God. My focus must remain on Him who has given me this life; the answers must come from him. I press on.
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