Today…A Good Place to Be…

I have spent almost two years (give or take) of my life in transition now, but in the last six months things have really settled as I’ve found my own place to call home and as I’ve really become more comfortable with the person I am.  There are, of course, still hard times, but I am so thankful that I was given this opportunity.  For the first time I’m glad to know who I am, as opposed to being the girl everyone else wants me to be.

I’ve been through three distinct phases in the last two years; first there was the living in the past, trying to figure out what the heck happened, what I could have done to stop it, and how I couldn’t have seen it coming. After that there was the “just get through today” stage, which I made it through because of God’s own grace and the amazing friends and family He gave to me.  Next came the longest phase…the “forward” phase, which started as I sought out a job in a new place, moved and established a home, friendships, and a more stable, less drama-filled life for all of us.  The forward phase has been a good one, and very essential in the healing process.  It allowed me to stop looking back at the closed doors and to really start dreaming about the future, a future that was suddenly wide open for me.  I am, very naturally, a dreamer, and so this has been a good phase for me.

The problem?  At some point I need to stop looking toward the future and start looking at TODAY.  I don’t want to spend all of my time wondering how things are going to turn out and what’s going to happen in my life, only to miss the good things here right now.  I have amazing friends, amazing children, and other really special things happening right now, and I don’t want to miss any of it.  I also don’t want to be paralyzed by fear.  Lately I’m realizing that there are certain parts of life that I am wary about, or that make me worry extra-even though they aren’t things to worry about, but rather to take in and enjoy for today, without worrying about the future.  I cannot live in fear of getting hurt or things not working out; the reality is that, sometimes in life, those things happen, and it’s hard, but we always come out on the other side.  And…sometimes, taking the risk to move forward and to live for today ends up better than we ever could have imagined it.

Sometimes, “pressing on” means pressing on in today, not pressing on toward tomorrow.  I’m ready to start living for today, to enjoying life in the moment.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

Back in the Saddle Again…

Wow…life has been crazy lately.  February felt like a looong marathon, and I am so thankful it’s over!  Spring break has officially started, and I am excited to have this week to myself.  The girls are with their dad for the whole thing, so I get to really focus on things that need to get done.

I actually started out my break with a new adventure; there are so many things I missed out on by getting married early!  I went on my first solo road trip, leaving Hutch on Friday and going to see an old friend in Pittsburgh before going to see another friend in Fort Scott.  It was a blast spending time with great friends and seeing new things; I even got to go over into Missourri and do a little shopping.  There’s something very liberating about being out in the world, going wherever you want whenever you want (not that I actually do that a lot, but…you know).  I came back today after a wonderfully relaxing weekend.

One of the books I read about divorce stated that you would know you were healing by the way you reacted to crisis, etc., and I can tell that that is true.  I might get annoyed or frustrated about happenings with the girls and their lives away from me, but for the most part it doesn’t cause a major disruption in my life.  There was news a few weeks ago that hit me wrong and left me incredibly emotional, but I could even recover from that relatively quickly.   It’s good to know that the divorce and all that I went through isn’t going to continue to weigh me down, and that I am getting on with my life.  It doesn’t mean there aren’t hard times, but it’s certainly working out.

One of the friends I went to see this weekend went to college with me and was a huge support in the past two years.  She and I had a great conversation about how much I have changed in two years; it’s great to know that other people see it, too.  I am much more dependant on God, although I fall off that wagon often, and I am just generally a happier person.  I have always been an “old” soul, but I didn’t have a lot of real world experiences.  I’ve had to grow up a lot, and that has made me much stronger.

I have about a billion thoughts tumbling around in my head, as is obvious from this silly-rambly blog…maybe this week I’ll actually get some of them out of there and down here!

Prodigal, Again.

“If you aren’t moving toward God, then you’re moving away from him.” I don’t know who said this, but I do know that it is wise beyond wise.  There is no such thing as just standing still in my relationship with Christ, and I would do well to remember that a lot more than I currently do.

When life brought me to my knees, I turned swiftly toward God, knowing that nothing I or anyone else could ever do would be enough to pull me out of the dark hell I found myself in.  He welcomed me home with open arms, and allowed me to cling to him in the way that only the Heavenly Father can.  It’s easy to find God at those times; I was reaching for Him, trusting that He would catch me, and He was right there, where he always is, arms out and ready to catch me when I asked.

Lately, life has been good.  Really good.  Am I complaining about that?  Definitely not.  I am beyond thankful; I know Who provides this.  The problem for me when it comes to “good” is that I am a forgetful idiot, and I tend to let my relationship with God drift.  Today I found myself asking where God went, and then I realized that was the wrong question; it has nothing to do with where God went.  He’s right where He always is, arms open and somehow still patiently waiting, whispering my name and pulling me back into his fold.  I’m the one who moved, like a trusting child who just always assumes her parents will take care of her.  That’s me.

The past few months I have felt like I was really getting somewhere in the healing process, and really getting on with my life.  I know that that is indeed true, but I need to remember it won’t all happen just like that.  I’m not going to magically wake up and think that this life is just how it’s supposed to be.  My life is broken, the result of living in a broken world.  I know that it pains Him in the same way it pains me; I know that He experienced my pain and so much more up on that cross, and I know that He is the only way to live my life.

I’ve been on autopilot lately; doing all of the things I’m “supposed” to do, going through the motions, but not really living meaningfully.  I’ve been much too focused on ME instead of on others, and I’ve wasted a lot of time and energy because of that.  I don’t even know how to begin getting back on track, but I do know WHO to get back on track.   I hope that’s enough.

Living on my own, thinking for myself
Castles in the sand, temporary wealth
Walls are falling down, storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes, here I am again

And I’ve held out as long as I can
Now I’m letting go and holding out my hand

Daddy, here I am again
Will You take me back tonight?
I went and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry.
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in.
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end?
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

Curse this morning sun
Drags me in to one more day
Of reaping what I’ve sown
Of living with my shame
Welcome to my world
And the life that I have made
Where one day you’re a prince
The next day you’re a slave

And I’ve held out as long as I can
Now I’m letting go and holding out my hand

Daddy, here I am again
Will You take me back tonight?
I went and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry.
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in.
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end?
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

~~~Prodigal, Casting Crowns

Life Is Good

It’s been awhile since I blogged last, so I’m interested to see if anyone is still reading this.   I meant to blog my heart out over break, but it was busy and when I tried the words wouldn’t come.  I figure there’s no reason to pour my heart out if there’s nothing pressing to say.

Wow.  Life is good.  Not just kinda-sorta good, but really good.  Like I don’t even understand how I could finally have moved from waking up wanting to die every day to grudgingly getting along with life to this…just happy.  God is so amazing; I know that it is only by His strength that this has happened, and I am  humbled to know that He has chosen to make Himself so clearly visible within my life.  What a privilage it is to have such an amazing Savior!

We have officially lived in Hutchinson for 7 months now, and I think it was at about the six month mark we found ourselves really settling in, feeling like this was home.  For me, making a couple of trips back home around the holidays really solidified that for some reason.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I have (finally) become mature enough to appreciate my parents and the home that they made, which makes me happy to go back to visit, but that I have also  made a great home here that I am happy to come back to.  Work is also going great; it usually takes about a semester to really get comfortable in a new district, and I think that I have reached that point where I can focus more on what makes me a successful teacher while still being aware of all of the new policies and procedures that this district has in place.

The girls…what to say…they are doing fairly well.  It’s such an up and down thing with them.  I read an article about divorce once that said that children suffer the most in a divorce and parents don’t realize it because, for a parent, there is the initial blow (or blows) of the broken dream, and obviously there is suffering, but at some point, life can get better and you can move past that person.  For a child, they are constantly living the reality of divorce, because they still have these two people they love.  It is a broken hurt that cannot be reconciled for them.  At some point all divorcees can say “I don’t love him or her any more,” but for a child that does not happen.  They will always have these two people that they love with all their hearts, but who don’t necessarily care for eachother.  I saw this clearly on Sunday when my girls came home from their dad’s: out of nowhere, my seven-year-old said, “Mommy, I wish you and Daddy were still married.”  Wow.  It was unexpected, and I didn’t know what to say.  I just hugged her and told her I was sure that it is hard for her to deal with that.

All-in-all they are doing pretty well; we have really gone through some major bonding, and I feel like as we build our experiences as a new kind of family it serves us all better.  We still have tantrums and irresponsibility, but we’re holding our own.  One of the best books I read after my divorce was “The Five Love Languages of Children” by Gary Smalley.  If you haven’t read that book and you deal with children anywhere in your life, you should.  It is incredibly insightful.  I have a list of the languages hanging on my refrigerator along with 1 Corinthians 13 (”Love is”).  This verse is usually referenced in marriage, but it also pertains to other relationships.  I’m really trying to focus on their love languages, which is a challenge for me; they are both very much “Quality Time” girls, which is a challenge since there is only one of me (hard to give them individual time) and because I tend to multitask when they need my full attention.  I hope that we continue to make progress; I feel like I know them and they know me better than ever, so we’ll get there together.

Consider this to be my “reentry into the blogosphere…I actually have a major topic on my mind that will be coming into play soon, but thought I would just give a general update for now.  Pressing on isn’t so hard when life is good, and I am aware that these good times must be appreciated and not taken for granted.  God is good…He can get anyone through anything, and I am proof of that!

So Blessed

Christmas is one of those times during the year when I (and many others) tend to reflect on where I’ve been and where I’m going, a time to ponder the blessings I’ve been given and the things I’ve learned of late.  I must tell you, I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams that this would be my life, and, while there have been moments (perhaps even hours, days, weeks) of disappointment, I also could not have imagined that I would ever reach a point of thankfulness and contentment quite like this ever again.  I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams in the past year, and while there are still difficulties in my life, I stand aghast at the wonders being given to me!

One of the richest areas of blessing in my life has been in the area of relationships; after the divorce I felt as if I had been stripped naked in front of the entire world.  My entire life was fodder for gossip in our little town, and I felt as if a giant “F” for failure had been slapped onto me.  Little did I know that that label was only my perception of the situation, my own judgementalness  coming forth to haunt me.  I gained rich relationships in that town, and I rekindled relationships with old friends and family I had left behind on the road I had set out on.  I did not come here friendless; it was almost as if God was preparing the way for me long before I came.  It has only been six months, but I already know that lifelong friendships are forming with coworkers and my church family.  I’ve found a whole group of people who share common interests with me, which has been incredibly rewarding.  It’s almost as if I was trying to be someone I wasn’t for my entire adult life before the divorce, and now I am actually getting to meet me.  This is a greater gift than I ever could have wished for!

Financially speaking, a light has appeared at the end of the long, long tunnel, and while I will never be swimming in pools of money, I think that with careful planning I will be able to pay off our medical bills and really have a chance at getting on my feet.  This is no small way thanks to my father, for he has done the most unexpected things ever.  My dad has very strict beliefs, one of them being that kids need to make their own way in the world with no help from their parents, which is why his Christmas gift to me was all that much more shocking.  He bought me a car!  Yes, you heard me right…an entire car!  Now, my pride almost couldn’t handle this…a car is no small thing, and I don’t want anyone to think I am a spoiled rotten brat who gets whatever she wants.  When he called to tell me, he just told me that I need a new car (very, very true…mine was on it’s last leg-I got it when I was a junior in high school!), and that while I couldn’t afford one, he most certainly could and he wanted us to have reliable transportation.  I got it last weekend, and it has done something amazing to my perspective; before I felt like I was in a financial deadlock; my car needed major work, including a new oil pan, new brakes, new belts, and who knew what else, and I didn’t see any way out of my situation.  Now that that isn’t a worry I feel like there is a way out; it’s like I’ve been thrown a lifeline and I can finally start to pull myself up.  I sat down last week and really looked at my budget, and since I had already made several cuts, I can now make it on my salary without child support if I have to,which is a good thing since I haven’t received any for awhile now. I have also chosen to stop allowing myself to play the victim in that situation, and have filed for income withholding so that my girls can receive good medical care and can have the things that they need.  I have a great job, a nice home, a car that has working brakes and that isn’t going to break down, and I’m finally getting back on my feet!  Blessed!

Difficulties are an inevitable part of life, and tomorrow will bring with it heartache and joy.  But I won’t forget…that I am blessed.  God is good!

The Lord Is My Shepherd

I have been having rough time of late, in case you hadn’t noticed.  It seems like once I get into that cycle of crisis and drama it just keeps escalating until it becomes impossible to step off.  Granted, my life often lends itself to crisis (or so it seems), but I need to remember that I cannot always control my circumstances.  The one thing I can control is my reaction to those circumstances,  which is where I’ve gone wrong of late.  I need to remember that I don’t need to buy into the drama and the fear, because I have been given a greater gift than that through the Grace of Christ.

Yesterday brought me two reminders of this:

The first came in the form of an email from a friend, which contained two daily devotionals.  The devotionals were written by Carolyn Larsen, and basically reminded me to put on the armor of God and to always be on guard for the schemes of the devil.  They also stated that the devil often wears us down as the sea does a rock, a little at a time.  That is so true, isn’t it?  I have not been walking in my faith as strongly as I need to be, and I haven’t been immersing myself in the Word on a daily basis to help guard against Satan.  By the time I was finished reading those two short devotionals I was crying; it was exactly the reminder I needed, and I thank God that the person who sent them allowed Him to use her for that purpose.

The second reminder was, quite frankly, humorous. Anyone who says that God doesn’t have a sense of humor needs to have the experience I had.  He took my own words and turned them on me.

When I am working with students, there are sometimes situations that arise in which a student will shut down and refuse to work through a problem.  When this happens, I sometimes remind them that they are young adults and that they need to be actively involved in solving the problem.  I then tell them that if they refuse to participate in the problem-solving process I will solve the problem for them, but they may not like how I solve the problem.

So yesterday afternoon the girls and I went to get in the car to run errands, and when I turned the key…dead battery.  One of the girls had run out to the car to get something the night before and had left the interior light on.  So there I was, my car in the garage, the battery dead, with a VERY bad attitude.  I know a few people these days, and I can name several who would gladly have run over and helped me out.  Did I get on the phone and call anyone?  Nope.  Pity party at Jenn’s house!  I gave up, came inside, and felt sorry for myself.  I told God that he was going to have to handle this one, because I was sick of handling things.  So He did.  The girls’ dad called to say he was in Wichita, and they informed him that my car was dead.  He offered to come get it started, which was a huge blow to my ego.  I definitely didn’t want that to happen, but he insisted he wanted to see the girls anyway.  No arguing with that.  THEN…my parents called.  They were in Wichita and wanted to come see us.  Now, I don’t know a lot about the father-daughter relationship from the father’s perspective, but I can tell you that my father does not like my girls’ dad.  Apparently you cannot destroy a girls’ heart and expect forgiveness from her father.  So here I was, with my ex-husband and my dad ready to fix my car.  Oh…the joy.  It all turned out fine, but it wasn’t how I had wanted the situation solved.  That’s what I get, isn’t it?  I can just see God up there saying…”are you sure you want me to fix it?  You might not like what I do?”

Now, I don’t think that God is in to punishment, and it’s hard to say for sure if this was really his purpose.  I am, after all, only human, and I doubt that I could really know His intentions.  At the same time…message received.  I needed that reminder.  It’s soothing to know that I my Shepherd is going to keep me on the path, and that if I start to wander He will correct me in one form or another.  We serve an amazing God, don’t we?

When will I learn?

Okay, God, I’m done throwing my temper tantrum, done looking at all the NEGATIVES that seem to be screaming at me and to start looking for You in my life.  I can’t do this alone.  I don’t even know where to begin doing this on my own…it just leads to mistake after mistake and misery after misery.  I’m Yours.  Again.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” ~Psalm 46:1

Thank You

Thanksgiving Eve 2009 finds me lying in bed in my best friend’s basement, a friend who was practically a stranger just two years ago. I’m lying in this bed minus the mate I thought I would have for life, and without my two babies, because I now have to share them with said “life-long mate” on the holidays. As I lie here there is plenty to worry about; no child support, no money for Christmas, bills due, etc., and, if I wanted to, there would even be plenty to cry about, and yet I’m going to try for thankfulness rather than angst and pain.

I have so much to be thankful for. I was blessed with two amazing women at just the moment I most needed them 18 months ago, and now those two, who have become my best friends, all live within 30 minutes of me, clear on the other side of the state where they never planned on living. We can quickly get together for dinner and a movie and some therapy among friends, which we all desperately need. I have a family; not just my girls, but also a family God has given me in the form of friends, both old and new. I have found the most amazing church home, full of Godly, faithful, committed people who have taken me in and, once again, demonstrated Christ’s love for me. I am finally at a place in my life where I can comfortably get involved in my church family. I have a great job teaching a grade I love, with kids I love, and with awesomely amazing coworkers, some of whom are becoming close friends of mine. I have my girls, my amazing daughters, who I am more than blessed with; it is such an honor to think that God has entrusted them to me. And I have escaped…not only the physical place where I felt so trapped, but also the mental and emotional traps I could so easily have fallen into during the bumpy patches. I haven’t totally arrived, but who of us has? I am free of the darkest places I have existed, and that is saying much.

I am thankful for all of this, and I am thankful for you. Chances are, if you are reading this, you have touched my life in some way. You may not think you’ve done anything all that fancy, but I guarantee you have! Sometimes all it takes is a kind word or an “atta girl” to keep me going, and there are those among you who, without knowing, have demonstrated Christ’s love through your caring. Some of you may even have saved my life with your kind words, your hugs, or your pats on the back. Thanks for loving me enough to do that!

My prayer for you, on this coming day of thanks, is that you will find the thankful things in your life, no matter what your circumstances may be. Nothing is impossible with God! Love to all of you!

Answers, Please?

Ugh…have I ever gotten myself into a pickle.  This is proving to be the start to a long day…

It’s interesting to see how people react to bad situations, and sometimes even more interesting to see how people think you should react.  During the year of our divorce I experienced every emotion on the book, but I always tried to remind myself that they were just emotions, something that shouldn’t always be trusted or acted upon.  Did I always succeed?  Definitely not.  I am human.  I tried, though.  I tried to not let too much hate spew out of my mouth, and I did everything I could to nurture the girls’ relationship with their dad.  Some people said I was crazy; why would I want them exposed to the lifestyle he was choosing?  I didn’t have an answer to that, because I certainly didn’t want them, especially as young women, to be witnesses to improper relationships.  On the other hand, I understood that he would always be their dad, and that I couldn’t ask them to hate him for his actions.  Children love unconditionally, perfectly and blindly, a lot like I would imagine God loves me.  Some thought I should do everything in my power to destroy his life; I would always reply to those people by letting them know that if I chose to hate him then I would have to think about him every second, and then I would never get to get on with my life.  One of my favorite quotes (no idea where it came from ) is “being angry is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  Ditto.  I’ve experienced that.

So…Friday I got an email from him letting me know that he would be in Wichita this weekend and that he wanted to take all of us out for supper tonight.  AWKWARD.  I know he was being nice by inviting me, but I don’t really see why we need to torture ourselves when there’s an alternative.  The thing is, we can be friendly without being friends, and  that’s what I’m comfortable with.  I have to forgive him continually for the decisions he made, as my emotions run around on their cycle of shock, although that has started to slow down and even out in the last several months.  I decided I would just tell him I was going to let him take the girls out to spend some time.

Yesterday he texted me asking if he could go to church with us and then take us out to lunch instead.  GULP.  That’s a whole different story.  Going to church together seems so…normal…so much like a life I used to know.  He even offered to pick us up so we could all go together.  So here I am…thinking about how I wasn’t so sure that I could do that; the girls go to Sunday school before the sermon, and then there we would be, sitting next to each other.  Luckily I have other responsibilities during church, so that doesn’t actually have to happen…some would say that I should have just told him I wasn’t comfortable, but I truly believe that it is my responsibility to nurture his relationship with our daughters as much as I can.  And besides…it’s church.  I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t say all could come to him except for my ex-husband.  So I’m sucking it up…we don’t have to go together because I have to be there early, and I don’t have to sit by him because I have other obligations.  As for lunch afterwards, I still have no idea how that’s going to work…I may just have to tell him that I’m not comfortable going along, and that I worry about the message we’re sending our children if they see us suddenly spending time together.  He thinks I keep my distance because I’ve turned into a stuck-up snob, but the truth is I’ve had my heart trampled more than enough, and I’ll do anything to avoid that.  He’s pretty consistently done the trampling, and I still can’t bring myself to trust him even on a purely friendly ground.

Is this how most people would react to this situation?  Probably not.  I can name several who would tell me to be just plain mean about it, that I don’t owe him anything.  This is absolutely right, but I do owe my girls something, and I have to act out of love, not anger, even towards people I don’t particularly love at all.  So…pray for me today.  I’m going to need it…

There’s No Lonely When You’re Really Home

Life is a lonely sort of thing.  It doesn’t matter who you are, it doesn’t matter how many people surround you; we, as human beings, all encounter soul-crushing loneliness at one point or another.  Loneliness can be a good thing; it can remind you Who you are supposed to depend on to fill that void.  It can also be dangerous…a feeling that can lead you down a road of self-destructive behavior.

There are two times I feel the loneliness the most; one is when the girls are gone for the weekend and I’m all alone.  I never know quite what to do with myself on those weekends, and as a result I tend to avoid being alone by making plans to go out of town and visit friends.  I’m getting better, though.  I do like having some alone time, I’m just afraid of getting too lonely and allowing that feeling to take control of my decisions.  Single people make some crazy-bad decisions out of loneliness, and I would rather not go down that path.  Do I hope that God blesses me with a partner someday?  With all my heart and soul.  Do I think that I’m going to find that person out of loneliness and desperation?  Definitely not.  I will take my time and be patient, and I’m sure that person, if I’m so blessed to get another chance, will show up at just the right time.

The other loneliness comes when I’m trying to juggle my mommy role with other “grown-up” responsibilities, such as work.  I never know quite how to make that bridge work; too often I end up feeling like people around me are judging me because I take my kids everywhere.  I know that a lot of this is in my head; the majority of people (probably) understand that I’m a one-parent show, and my options are limited.  Would it be ideal for me to hire a babysitter for every event that requires my time (staff meetings, school functions, church stuff, etc.)?  Sometimes.  But ultimately, I can’t afford to pay someone all the time to watch my kids, and it’s not fair to them to have to be pawned off on other people because I’m “too busy.”  My parents were always too busy for me; they gave me a key to the house when I was in first grade and told me to ride the bus home and let myself in.  I don’t want my girls to ever feel like they were in the way, or like my life is more important than them.  Being a single has really taught me to prioritize my life; granted, I’m still horrible at it in many aspects, but I try to do better every day!  The girls go to an after school program once or twice a week, if necessary, but for the most part they  just hang out and play in my room or with another teacher’s daughter.  They don’t get nearly enough time to just be kids; they’ve had to grow up a lot.

It dawned on me tonight that I’m not nearly as alone as I sometimes think I am, and it also occurred to me that this is really becoming home to me.  My class was part of the school musical, and I had to supervise my students during the show tonight.  I reserved two seats in the front row for the girls, and, after admonishing them to BEHAVE took them to their seats just before the show started.  As I walked them out, I looked around and realized that there were lots of people I know who would (hopefully, maybe) be willing to let the girls sit with them.  The principal offered, there was someone from my church’s single parent group, several parents of my students, Belle’s teacher…all of those people who would be more than happy to help if they only knew that I had a need.  I ended up taking the girls to their seats, and it turned out that the parents of one of my students were sitting right beside them.  The dad started talking to my girls immediately, and Madeline warmed right up to him.  Belle’s always a little slower to warm up, but once she does she’s sold.  It was great to know they were surrounded by people willing to support them, and it was great to see them interacting with a strong male role model.  They don’t get nearly enough of that, but when they do get to be around good men it’s good to see them reacting and to know that they are seeing the way men are supposed to treat women.  It’s one of the roles I can’t fulfill no matter what, and it’s good to know there are other people willing to help out.

So, sometimes I feel lonely.  Sometimes I have a right to feel that way, and sometimes the emotion is false, a trap meant to lead me down the dark road.  All I have to do is look around and see all of the amazing people I have been blessed with in less than six months time; people from school and church, old friends and new friends; sometimes it feels like I add to that list almost daily!  God has truly blessed me and my girls, and pressing through that feeling of loneliness just brings that truth home.