Pressing Times (or a really pathetic blog)

Wow.  Tough times lately.  It amazes me to discover that there is still grief and pain to be had after all of this time and all of this healing, but I suppose it will always be that way a little bit.  Right now I’m in an adjustment phase…once again struggling to accept the fact that THIS is my life for the conceivable future.

My personality tends to be assertive and always in need of the next big thing…it’s hard for me to accept that this is it.  This isn’t the life I signed up for, that’s for sure…but who does get the life they sign up for?  The longer I’m on this earth the more I understand that life is tough no matter who you are.  I can honestly say that life has settled into a comfortable pattern, which is a good thing, but that I am feeling very dissatisfied…I am 29 years old, a single mother of 2 who almost never has a moment without children.  That equals no going out (not that I do that a lot even when they are gone) and no dating, since I don’t believe in involving my children in my dating life.  I’m stuck.  This is it.

I know I need to accept it, but I’m so angry right now…and since there’s no one to take it out on, I’ve pretty much been spending a lot of time arguing with God.  It’s hard for me to accept that this is what I get when I didn’t choose this for myself.  I know, that is immature and selfish…lots of people are in worse situations.  I just can’t get through it.  I’m struggling mightily with my faith, and I still don’t know where I’m going to land.  At this point, I believe because I know what He did for me in the darkest times…but that’s it.  I’m taking it on pure faith…there’s no warm and fuzzy here, just hard and hurt.  Don’t know how to get through it…I feel like I’m just getting out of bed, getting through the day, and starting over.  Pressing on, with no hope or faith that it’ll get better.  So where does that leave me?  I don’t know.  Lost.  And hurt.  And too prideful to turn around and tell my Father that I’m sorry and that it hurts and that I can’t do it alone.

The irony of this situation is not lost on me…the way I feel about God, and the way my children are feeling about me, are very similar.  They are staying at home with me more this year…won’t see their dad for at least another month, and they are struggling, and they are angry.  I cannot even tell you how many times I have been screamed at, cried at, and hated in the last week.  It’s emotionally exhausting to experience!  In addition, Maddie is really struggling at school, and she’s writing her dad’s name everywhere.  I don’t know how to help her.  They both think that life with him is wonderful…I have found numerous drawings and notes in their bedroom that have their dad’s name, his girlfriend’s and son’s name with their names on it and the name “family” on it.  That hurts more than anything.  They don’t consider the 3 of us a family because there is no daddy here with us.  What am I supposed to say to that?  I don’t even know.  I’m just at a loss, not sure where to turn.

I know that marrieds have issues too, but the fact is, at the end of the day, there’s someone there to pull you into their arms and just hold you…that physical reassurance that you aren’t alone.  The idea that if there’s a problem you’ll tackle it together.  I think that, for me, that is the hardest part of all of this.  I have amazing friends, but I always hate to impose myself or my family on them because they have lives and families of their own to tend to without me butting in.  I don’t want to be alone!  WHY do I have to do this alone???  I didn’t do this, and yet i’m the one stuck here trying to untangle the big mess.  it’s been two years.  How much longer??  Is this it, really?  Was that my chance??  I keep thinking that God is going to heal me, but guess what?  It just isn’t happening.

This is just the kind of blog I resist writing and/or posting, because seriously…nobody wants to read a pity party.  On the other hand, this is as real as it gets, and I could use some serious help out of this hole, so I think I’ll post it, for what it’s worth…if anyone has any advice, or just wants to tell me to get over myself, I’ll take it.  I’m at the end of the rope and I’ve tied the knot…

Seeing Jesus (or The Importance of Father Figures)

I saw Jesus the other day.  He wasn’t what you would expect…just a man.  A man who probably has plenty of problems in his own life, a man who had probably worked hard for the entire day before heading off to serve as a VBS crew leader in our church.  I wonder if he even knows that the love of Jesus was shining out of him, and that it touched me deeply, in a way that few things have been able to lately…

It wasn’t so much that he was volunteering for VBS that demonstrated his Christ-like attitude, although that certainly was a Christ-like gesture…it was actually…tickling that did it.  This man was my 8-year-old’s crew leader, a man whom she had probably never really known before last week.  One evening he came in, and she was the only child in her row (we were there early since I was helping).  She, doing who knows what, was laying down across the chairs staring up at the ceiling, and failed to notice that someone was sneaking up on her until her feet were being tickled.  It was a simple gesture; it happened in a moment, just like that.  And yet it means more than I can express.

As a single mom, one of my biggest concerns for my daughters is that they are missing out on a truly meaningful relationship with a male role model.  Their dad is involved in their lives, but not in the way that a dad could be involved if he lived in the same home or even in the same town.  Men are so important in the lives of children, and I think specifically in the lives of girls.  This was drilled home the day my youngest daughter told me that she needed to wear her prettiest dress to school, because they were having a male substitute teacher; my girls yearn for that love and attention so desperately it is almost painful!  Christian men demonstrate Christ’s love for all of us through their actions and attitudes, and if any young woman is lacking that love she will seek it out in unhealthy ways as she grows up.  My biggest wish for my daughters is that they will have the opportunity to witness and participate in relationships with strong male role models fulfilling their duties as husbands, fathers, and servants of God, and yet this is also one area of their lives that I cannot take care of by myself.

The tickling incident was the highlight of the evening…it was talked about several times after VBS that day, and was brought up for days and days in the future.  Both of my girls tend to be shy, and have a hard time forcing themselves to speak to strangers.  And yet…at church on Sunday, when her crew leader saw her and went out of his way to give her five, she just lit up.  This man isn’t the only male in our church who has gone out of his way to tell them hello or to be playful with them; there are actually several awesome men who have taken a few moments out of their day to give a little attention (which the girls love, even if they don’t say anything in the moment) to two little girls who desperately yearn for it.  A simple gesture that that person probably  immediately forgets is sometimes talked about for the rest of the day at our house!

Whenever I see somebody going out of their way like this, I am reassured that it’s going to be okay, and that I am not alone on this journey.  If I close my eyes and imagine Jesus walking into church on a Sunday morning, I don’t see Him rushing to His seat and only speaking to the disciples seated around Him, or only paying attention to people who come over to say “hey;”  I see him walking around, making eye contact and really seeing people.  I see Him clapping a friend on the back, peering deeply into the eyes of a hurting soul with a look that says I understand, and sneaking up on a pew to tickle a little girl who thirsts for the attention of her Father.

I know that my lack of writing has greatly diminished my readership in recent months, but for the few of you who have stuck around, I hope that you find a strong Christian man today and tell him that he matters.  Let him know how important he can be, and that his actions (even those that may seem trivial) matter.  If you happen to be one of the men who is making a difference in the lives of my daughters, I cannot possibly thank you enough for letting Christ’s light shine through your actions.  Dads, in whatever form they may take, do make a difference!

It must be bad when you’re avoiding yourself…

Well…it’s been awhile, hasn’t it?  I honestly don’t know why I’ve made my way here after 5 months of not blogging; don’t even know what there is to say (Warning!  This may end up being a very long, rambly-type blog!).  I started off the summer with all kinds of grand plans for life and this blog, but, like the best-laid plans, it just didn’t happen.  We’ve had a great summer, with no huge drama, which was a nice change after what feels like years and years of life change during the summer, whether it be going back to work after being a stay at home mom, moving, divorcing, etc.  Now the end of summer is here, and I find myself craving the consistency and routine that comes with school while at the same time feeling like I’ve put so much into the girls and school and avoiding myself that I lost me.  Not only have I been avoiding myself…I’ve been avoiding God, which, as we all know, is not a wise thing to do.

I never intended for this blog to be my own personal pity-party, and yet I feel like I don’t know what to say today that won’t come out as a pity party, so I’m going to let something else speak for me.  I just typed “I feel lost” in my Google search bar, and one of the first links I came to (http://www.cornerstonebibch.org/Pages/lost.html) had a great thought on the subject…to paraphrase, it basically says that the lost, unfulfilled feelings every human being experiences are placed there by God.  And the only One who can fill that emptiness is Him. I have been going through the motions with God…I go to church every Sunday, I volunteer to help occassionally, I run the computer every Sunday, but…it’s just not enough, and I think that God is convicting me, guiding me to see the truth; that actions are nothing if I am not loving him with everything I have.  It’s time for me to wake up and come out of all of this denial, to look inward and start making some decisions about where I am and where I’m going, and to start seeking my comfort and solace in Him.  It’s so easy to fall into the trap of wishing I had a significant other to take comfort in, but I know that’s not the answer.  The only thing that can fill my empty spots is God.

So…with that…if anyone still happens to be reading this, please pray for me, that I will be able to take the steps toward more self-awareness, less self-pity, and a fuller relationship with God!  It’ll be easy for you to tell if that’s happening…I won’t be so doubtful about blogging if I’m being honest with myself about where I stand in that relationship!

Today…A Good Place to Be…

I have spent almost two years (give or take) of my life in transition now, but in the last six months things have really settled as I’ve found my own place to call home and as I’ve really become more comfortable with the person I am.  There are, of course, still hard times, but I am so thankful that I was given this opportunity.  For the first time I’m glad to know who I am, as opposed to being the girl everyone else wants me to be.

I’ve been through three distinct phases in the last two years; first there was the living in the past, trying to figure out what the heck happened, what I could have done to stop it, and how I couldn’t have seen it coming. After that there was the “just get through today” stage, which I made it through because of God’s own grace and the amazing friends and family He gave to me.  Next came the longest phase…the “forward” phase, which started as I sought out a job in a new place, moved and established a home, friendships, and a more stable, less drama-filled life for all of us.  The forward phase has been a good one, and very essential in the healing process.  It allowed me to stop looking back at the closed doors and to really start dreaming about the future, a future that was suddenly wide open for me.  I am, very naturally, a dreamer, and so this has been a good phase for me.

The problem?  At some point I need to stop looking toward the future and start looking at TODAY.  I don’t want to spend all of my time wondering how things are going to turn out and what’s going to happen in my life, only to miss the good things here right now.  I have amazing friends, amazing children, and other really special things happening right now, and I don’t want to miss any of it.  I also don’t want to be paralyzed by fear.  Lately I’m realizing that there are certain parts of life that I am wary about, or that make me worry extra-even though they aren’t things to worry about, but rather to take in and enjoy for today, without worrying about the future.  I cannot live in fear of getting hurt or things not working out; the reality is that, sometimes in life, those things happen, and it’s hard, but we always come out on the other side.  And…sometimes, taking the risk to move forward and to live for today ends up better than we ever could have imagined it.

Sometimes, “pressing on” means pressing on in today, not pressing on toward tomorrow.  I’m ready to start living for today, to enjoying life in the moment.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

Back in the Saddle Again…

Wow…life has been crazy lately.  February felt like a looong marathon, and I am so thankful it’s over!  Spring break has officially started, and I am excited to have this week to myself.  The girls are with their dad for the whole thing, so I get to really focus on things that need to get done.

I actually started out my break with a new adventure; there are so many things I missed out on by getting married early!  I went on my first solo road trip, leaving Hutch on Friday and going to see an old friend in Pittsburgh before going to see another friend in Fort Scott.  It was a blast spending time with great friends and seeing new things; I even got to go over into Missourri and do a little shopping.  There’s something very liberating about being out in the world, going wherever you want whenever you want (not that I actually do that a lot, but…you know).  I came back today after a wonderfully relaxing weekend.

One of the books I read about divorce stated that you would know you were healing by the way you reacted to crisis, etc., and I can tell that that is true.  I might get annoyed or frustrated about happenings with the girls and their lives away from me, but for the most part it doesn’t cause a major disruption in my life.  There was news a few weeks ago that hit me wrong and left me incredibly emotional, but I could even recover from that relatively quickly.   It’s good to know that the divorce and all that I went through isn’t going to continue to weigh me down, and that I am getting on with my life.  It doesn’t mean there aren’t hard times, but it’s certainly working out.

One of the friends I went to see this weekend went to college with me and was a huge support in the past two years.  She and I had a great conversation about how much I have changed in two years; it’s great to know that other people see it, too.  I am much more dependant on God, although I fall off that wagon often, and I am just generally a happier person.  I have always been an “old” soul, but I didn’t have a lot of real world experiences.  I’ve had to grow up a lot, and that has made me much stronger.

I have about a billion thoughts tumbling around in my head, as is obvious from this silly-rambly blog…maybe this week I’ll actually get some of them out of there and down here!

Prodigal, Again.

“If you aren’t moving toward God, then you’re moving away from him.” I don’t know who said this, but I do know that it is wise beyond wise.  There is no such thing as just standing still in my relationship with Christ, and I would do well to remember that a lot more than I currently do.

When life brought me to my knees, I turned swiftly toward God, knowing that nothing I or anyone else could ever do would be enough to pull me out of the dark hell I found myself in.  He welcomed me home with open arms, and allowed me to cling to him in the way that only the Heavenly Father can.  It’s easy to find God at those times; I was reaching for Him, trusting that He would catch me, and He was right there, where he always is, arms out and ready to catch me when I asked.

Lately, life has been good.  Really good.  Am I complaining about that?  Definitely not.  I am beyond thankful; I know Who provides this.  The problem for me when it comes to “good” is that I am a forgetful idiot, and I tend to let my relationship with God drift.  Today I found myself asking where God went, and then I realized that was the wrong question; it has nothing to do with where God went.  He’s right where He always is, arms open and somehow still patiently waiting, whispering my name and pulling me back into his fold.  I’m the one who moved, like a trusting child who just always assumes her parents will take care of her.  That’s me.

The past few months I have felt like I was really getting somewhere in the healing process, and really getting on with my life.  I know that that is indeed true, but I need to remember it won’t all happen just like that.  I’m not going to magically wake up and think that this life is just how it’s supposed to be.  My life is broken, the result of living in a broken world.  I know that it pains Him in the same way it pains me; I know that He experienced my pain and so much more up on that cross, and I know that He is the only way to live my life.

I’ve been on autopilot lately; doing all of the things I’m “supposed” to do, going through the motions, but not really living meaningfully.  I’ve been much too focused on ME instead of on others, and I’ve wasted a lot of time and energy because of that.  I don’t even know how to begin getting back on track, but I do know WHO to get back on track.   I hope that’s enough.

Living on my own, thinking for myself
Castles in the sand, temporary wealth
Walls are falling down, storms are closing in
Tears have filled my eyes, here I am again

And I’ve held out as long as I can
Now I’m letting go and holding out my hand

Daddy, here I am again
Will You take me back tonight?
I went and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry.
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in.
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end?
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

Curse this morning sun
Drags me in to one more day
Of reaping what I’ve sown
Of living with my shame
Welcome to my world
And the life that I have made
Where one day you’re a prince
The next day you’re a slave

And I’ve held out as long as I can
Now I’m letting go and holding out my hand

Daddy, here I am again
Will You take me back tonight?
I went and made the world my friend
And it left me high and dry.
I drag Your name back through the mud
That You first found me in.
Not worthy to be called Your son
Is this to be my end?
Daddy, here I am
Here I am again

~~~Prodigal, Casting Crowns

Life Is Good

It’s been awhile since I blogged last, so I’m interested to see if anyone is still reading this.   I meant to blog my heart out over break, but it was busy and when I tried the words wouldn’t come.  I figure there’s no reason to pour my heart out if there’s nothing pressing to say.

Wow.  Life is good.  Not just kinda-sorta good, but really good.  Like I don’t even understand how I could finally have moved from waking up wanting to die every day to grudgingly getting along with life to this…just happy.  God is so amazing; I know that it is only by His strength that this has happened, and I am  humbled to know that He has chosen to make Himself so clearly visible within my life.  What a privilage it is to have such an amazing Savior!

We have officially lived in Hutchinson for 7 months now, and I think it was at about the six month mark we found ourselves really settling in, feeling like this was home.  For me, making a couple of trips back home around the holidays really solidified that for some reason.  I think it has something to do with the fact that I have (finally) become mature enough to appreciate my parents and the home that they made, which makes me happy to go back to visit, but that I have also  made a great home here that I am happy to come back to.  Work is also going great; it usually takes about a semester to really get comfortable in a new district, and I think that I have reached that point where I can focus more on what makes me a successful teacher while still being aware of all of the new policies and procedures that this district has in place.

The girls…what to say…they are doing fairly well.  It’s such an up and down thing with them.  I read an article about divorce once that said that children suffer the most in a divorce and parents don’t realize it because, for a parent, there is the initial blow (or blows) of the broken dream, and obviously there is suffering, but at some point, life can get better and you can move past that person.  For a child, they are constantly living the reality of divorce, because they still have these two people they love.  It is a broken hurt that cannot be reconciled for them.  At some point all divorcees can say “I don’t love him or her any more,” but for a child that does not happen.  They will always have these two people that they love with all their hearts, but who don’t necessarily care for eachother.  I saw this clearly on Sunday when my girls came home from their dad’s: out of nowhere, my seven-year-old said, “Mommy, I wish you and Daddy were still married.”  Wow.  It was unexpected, and I didn’t know what to say.  I just hugged her and told her I was sure that it is hard for her to deal with that.

All-in-all they are doing pretty well; we have really gone through some major bonding, and I feel like as we build our experiences as a new kind of family it serves us all better.  We still have tantrums and irresponsibility, but we’re holding our own.  One of the best books I read after my divorce was “The Five Love Languages of Children” by Gary Smalley.  If you haven’t read that book and you deal with children anywhere in your life, you should.  It is incredibly insightful.  I have a list of the languages hanging on my refrigerator along with 1 Corinthians 13 (“Love is”).  This verse is usually referenced in marriage, but it also pertains to other relationships.  I’m really trying to focus on their love languages, which is a challenge for me; they are both very much “Quality Time” girls, which is a challenge since there is only one of me (hard to give them individual time) and because I tend to multitask when they need my full attention.  I hope that we continue to make progress; I feel like I know them and they know me better than ever, so we’ll get there together.

Consider this to be my “reentry into the blogosphere…I actually have a major topic on my mind that will be coming into play soon, but thought I would just give a general update for now.  Pressing on isn’t so hard when life is good, and I am aware that these good times must be appreciated and not taken for granted.  God is good…He can get anyone through anything, and I am proof of that!

So Blessed

Christmas is one of those times during the year when I (and many others) tend to reflect on where I’ve been and where I’m going, a time to ponder the blessings I’ve been given and the things I’ve learned of late.  I must tell you, I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams that this would be my life, and, while there have been moments (perhaps even hours, days, weeks) of disappointment, I also could not have imagined that I would ever reach a point of thankfulness and contentment quite like this ever again.  I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams in the past year, and while there are still difficulties in my life, I stand aghast at the wonders being given to me!

One of the richest areas of blessing in my life has been in the area of relationships; after the divorce I felt as if I had been stripped naked in front of the entire world.  My entire life was fodder for gossip in our little town, and I felt as if a giant “F” for failure had been slapped onto me.  Little did I know that that label was only my perception of the situation, my own judgementalness  coming forth to haunt me.  I gained rich relationships in that town, and I rekindled relationships with old friends and family I had left behind on the road I had set out on.  I did not come here friendless; it was almost as if God was preparing the way for me long before I came.  It has only been six months, but I already know that lifelong friendships are forming with coworkers and my church family.  I’ve found a whole group of people who share common interests with me, which has been incredibly rewarding.  It’s almost as if I was trying to be someone I wasn’t for my entire adult life before the divorce, and now I am actually getting to meet me.  This is a greater gift than I ever could have wished for!

Financially speaking, a light has appeared at the end of the long, long tunnel, and while I will never be swimming in pools of money, I think that with careful planning I will be able to pay off our medical bills and really have a chance at getting on my feet.  This is no small way thanks to my father, for he has done the most unexpected things ever.  My dad has very strict beliefs, one of them being that kids need to make their own way in the world with no help from their parents, which is why his Christmas gift to me was all that much more shocking.  He bought me a car!  Yes, you heard me right…an entire car!  Now, my pride almost couldn’t handle this…a car is no small thing, and I don’t want anyone to think I am a spoiled rotten brat who gets whatever she wants.  When he called to tell me, he just told me that I need a new car (very, very true…mine was on it’s last leg-I got it when I was a junior in high school!), and that while I couldn’t afford one, he most certainly could and he wanted us to have reliable transportation.  I got it last weekend, and it has done something amazing to my perspective; before I felt like I was in a financial deadlock; my car needed major work, including a new oil pan, new brakes, new belts, and who knew what else, and I didn’t see any way out of my situation.  Now that that isn’t a worry I feel like there is a way out; it’s like I’ve been thrown a lifeline and I can finally start to pull myself up.  I sat down last week and really looked at my budget, and since I had already made several cuts, I can now make it on my salary without child support if I have to,which is a good thing since I haven’t received any for awhile now. I have also chosen to stop allowing myself to play the victim in that situation, and have filed for income withholding so that my girls can receive good medical care and can have the things that they need.  I have a great job, a nice home, a car that has working brakes and that isn’t going to break down, and I’m finally getting back on my feet!  Blessed!

Difficulties are an inevitable part of life, and tomorrow will bring with it heartache and joy.  But I won’t forget…that I am blessed.  God is good!

The Lord Is My Shepherd

I have been having rough time of late, in case you hadn’t noticed.  It seems like once I get into that cycle of crisis and drama it just keeps escalating until it becomes impossible to step off.  Granted, my life often lends itself to crisis (or so it seems), but I need to remember that I cannot always control my circumstances.  The one thing I can control is my reaction to those circumstances,  which is where I’ve gone wrong of late.  I need to remember that I don’t need to buy into the drama and the fear, because I have been given a greater gift than that through the Grace of Christ.

Yesterday brought me two reminders of this:

The first came in the form of an email from a friend, which contained two daily devotionals.  The devotionals were written by Carolyn Larsen, and basically reminded me to put on the armor of God and to always be on guard for the schemes of the devil.  They also stated that the devil often wears us down as the sea does a rock, a little at a time.  That is so true, isn’t it?  I have not been walking in my faith as strongly as I need to be, and I haven’t been immersing myself in the Word on a daily basis to help guard against Satan.  By the time I was finished reading those two short devotionals I was crying; it was exactly the reminder I needed, and I thank God that the person who sent them allowed Him to use her for that purpose.

The second reminder was, quite frankly, humorous. Anyone who says that God doesn’t have a sense of humor needs to have the experience I had.  He took my own words and turned them on me.

When I am working with students, there are sometimes situations that arise in which a student will shut down and refuse to work through a problem.  When this happens, I sometimes remind them that they are young adults and that they need to be actively involved in solving the problem.  I then tell them that if they refuse to participate in the problem-solving process I will solve the problem for them, but they may not like how I solve the problem.

So yesterday afternoon the girls and I went to get in the car to run errands, and when I turned the key…dead battery.  One of the girls had run out to the car to get something the night before and had left the interior light on.  So there I was, my car in the garage, the battery dead, with a VERY bad attitude.  I know a few people these days, and I can name several who would gladly have run over and helped me out.  Did I get on the phone and call anyone?  Nope.  Pity party at Jenn’s house!  I gave up, came inside, and felt sorry for myself.  I told God that he was going to have to handle this one, because I was sick of handling things.  So He did.  The girls’ dad called to say he was in Wichita, and they informed him that my car was dead.  He offered to come get it started, which was a huge blow to my ego.  I definitely didn’t want that to happen, but he insisted he wanted to see the girls anyway.  No arguing with that.  THEN…my parents called.  They were in Wichita and wanted to come see us.  Now, I don’t know a lot about the father-daughter relationship from the father’s perspective, but I can tell you that my father does not like my girls’ dad.  Apparently you cannot destroy a girls’ heart and expect forgiveness from her father.  So here I was, with my ex-husband and my dad ready to fix my car.  Oh…the joy.  It all turned out fine, but it wasn’t how I had wanted the situation solved.  That’s what I get, isn’t it?  I can just see God up there saying…”are you sure you want me to fix it?  You might not like what I do?”

Now, I don’t think that God is in to punishment, and it’s hard to say for sure if this was really his purpose.  I am, after all, only human, and I doubt that I could really know His intentions.  At the same time…message received.  I needed that reminder.  It’s soothing to know that I my Shepherd is going to keep me on the path, and that if I start to wander He will correct me in one form or another.  We serve an amazing God, don’t we?

When will I learn?

Okay, God, I’m done throwing my temper tantrum, done looking at all the NEGATIVES that seem to be screaming at me and to start looking for You in my life.  I can’t do this alone.  I don’t even know where to begin doing this on my own…it just leads to mistake after mistake and misery after misery.  I’m Yours.  Again.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” ~Psalm 46:1